Downhill battle

I feel slightly less like a joke now.

I got hired to deal poker at Caesar’s Palace, a top tier casino here. This is roughly ten times the break I’ve been looking for, if I deal here for 6 months I could deal anywhere, but honestly I find it doubtful that I even would want to leave. It’s only going to be part time, but even working only two days a week I’ll probably make more than I did at my last job. This has put me in a great mood, and it seems like nothing can break it. But honestly, nothing has even made an attempt.

—————————————-

I called Kelly, the girl that I quit calling back, and apologized for how I let it go. I’d actually like to go into a little more depth than I did before, because it’s not quite as bad as I hastily made it out to be. I had slacked off in hanging out with her (I probably halved the frequency) but I had guessed that was ok, especially considering the circumstances prior. I really was great to her while we dated, maybe because of how I never could get out of my head the things my last girlfriend had told me after she decided to sleep with my best friend. Kelly had put me into some pretty rotten spots prior to christmas, the highlight of those being a situation where she snuck some extra drinks one night when hanging out with our crew, despite the fact that we told her she’d had more than plenty, and ended up beligerent, literally begging me to fuck her (her words, not mine), which of course I had no desire to do to a girl that couldn’t stand. I finally thought I’d gotten her to sleep but she decided to wake up and proceed to put me in a spot where I ended up doing a lot of things for her that I was nowhere near close enough to her to do. I’ll spare you the gross details. I couldn’t just leave her to herself though, and I took good care of her. She of course woke up the next morning and remembered nothing, asking where her clothes were and why her hair was damp. I told her the story of what happened and that her clothes were in the dryer and her hair was wet because I’d showered her, and that I was short a rug. She didn’t really know how to handle it, and I was pretty quiet as I drove her home. Despite all this, I decided to let it slide and see how things went after that.

So yeah, I had not been seeing her as much anyway, and one night she decided to give me a call and ask me if I still “liked” her. She was drunk and hanging out alone with one of her male friends, which I swear didn’t bother me, but I’d struggled with a difference maturity often before and this just really summed it all up. I told her to think about why she shouldn’t be asking me that under the circumstances and told her to try calling me again when she was sober. I’d think something like that would be obvious. It’s an annoying thing to be asked if there’s no issue, and if there IS an issue, it’s certainly not a conversation to have over the phone, ESPECIALLY not in front of one of your friends, on their time. She called me the following day, sober, and asked me the same question. I was seriously in disbelief, and thought then was as good of a point as any to take a break. I told her that I probably still did like her before she asked me that twice, but that now I really didn’t know. I told her, “I’m going through some shit right now, give me a chance to get that sorted out. I’ll give you a call when I do.” Which is what I’ve done. She didn’t really stick to the deal of being patient; once I got out of a movie to find I had 12 missed calls from her, not because she had an emergency or anything, but because she wanted me to come to her fondue party. I don’t know how much I’ll be hanging out with her, though I think she’d make an ok friend (I highlighted the worst times, there were fun ones). I certainly won’t be dating her again though.

—————————————-

Tim has moved back in for the time being. It started as him just asking a favor to crash for a few days. His roommate that he had left us for (which Andy and I had both thought a douche) proved himself true and scammed Tim for around 200 dollars (and a few nights ago tried to tell him he owed him 400 more). The guy’s a piece of shit who can’t play cards (Tim says he thinks he lost around 80 grand last year in poker). Anyway, Tim was busted after he loaned this semi-crazy Hooters dealer about 12 grand. (Let me get off track here for a second. When you constantly play cards, money means a lot less to you, it just loses its value. I had trouble with this for a bit when I was doing really well, Andy had big issues with it, and Tim is a bit weaker than us, so he’s got it bad.) Anyway, Tim was busted and put off of cards for a little while and was going to go home and recoup with his dad in Michigan. The day before he was supposed to leave he got a call from his dad (this conversation took place in front of me, it was painful to listen to) where basically his dad told him, no, fuck you, you’re on your own. This is pretty much bullshit, because a lot of Tim’s profits had been going to his mom’s hospital bills, and his dad hadn’t done much of anything for him financially.

So we pretty much talked Tim out of offing himself, and he regrouped and ended up getting backed in a game or two and had turned a few hundred into about 5 grand in a week. Recently he had decided (very stupidly) to put his entire bankroll on a 5/10 table and lost it all to some running draw and was busted again. Andy was fucking pissed at him, because he knew we were tight on money and we were relying on him to chip in for living on our couch. It made me feel shitty too, because I put Andy in just as much of a tight spot with losing my job, and the countless apologies won’t make me feel better about it. He’s doing really well at his job now, and he barely has money ever because he’s been covering our asses for the last month. This should all turn around today or tomorrow, because I’ll be paying Andy back more money than I owe him (seriously I feel bad), and we’ll be back to doing ok. It’s been tough living with Tim again though, he’s a great friend but not the best of roommates. He and Andy’s girlfriend Deja haven’t gotten along, and I’ve done a great job being a peacemaker there, but I don’t know if it’ll last forever. We don’t want to kick him out, but we are slowly trying to figure out how to encourage him along the right path. It’s a very difficult thing to do to a friend.

—————————————-

I met someone from OD, which, I’m sad to say, is not a first for me. Her name is Tina and she’s cool as hell. Granted, I’m always hoping in the back of my mind that I’ll meet an amazing girl I can date but I wouldn’t say that it was what I was expecting or looking for when I agreed to meet her.

I was worried at first, to be honest. I’ve had a lot of really good female friends over the years but save for my absolute best one, it’s always followed a similar pattern. I usually decide that I would enjoy their company and think they’d be cool to hang around, but after spending some time with them, despite my best efforts to be as uncharming as possible, they end up with feelings for me. Sooner or later they get mad at me for not reciprocating (for some I would just straight up tell them to stop liking me) and stop talking to me. I then wait anywhere from a month to a year for that to wear

off, and then they come back, over their feelings and disillusioned, and we’ll be great friends. I still have many of them, and they remain some of my closest friends to this day. I tend to also be physically close to them (they lay on me while we watch movies, etc) but only after the point where they can joke about how they used to feel. I still worry every now and then that’d I’m encouraging dead feelings back to life, but I’ve never had an issue with it, I assume because our friendships had reached the point that we were far closer than a silly crush could ever put you.

Anyway, I knew from the first few seconds that I wasn’t going to have a romantic interest in Tina, which is not to say that she doesn’t meet my requirements, both physically and intellectually, but I lacked any sort of spark or interest like that (I can never say why for those things, it’s just some people never strike me that way). I sweated for a minute or two that things would go poorly and I’d end up in the same spot I always was, but it wasn’t long before I realized I wouldn’t have to deal with it at all. This was a huge break and it overjoyed me more and more the longer we talked. For once I felt somewhat understood, despite some pretty vast differences, and I didn’t get the impression that I would ever shock her by doing the next logical thing. As simple as this sounds, I’ve struggled my whole life with being called mysterious and unpredictable, and I’m tired of it. I know I may be “tough to read” or whatever, but it doesn’t make me incomprehensible. It’s been a long long time since I’ve thought a person had such great potential, and I couldn’t believe that I was going to get to enjoy it without going through all the bullshit I so often have to. I have no good female friends in Vegas, and I sure as hell need one. We ended up relaxing in a hookah bar and talking for almost three and a half hours straight. Unfortunately it turned out to be bad poetry night there, and there’s little I can stand less than awful poetry. I managed to mostly ignore it but I spent time here and there mocking it which I’m sure made me look like more of an asshole than she already thought I was (I know the impression I give off when I’m writing here, but I’m really a relaxed, courteous guy). I had a great night and didn’t feel at all sleepy despite being up for around 40 hours at that point. I’m very happy that if things work out correctly, I can finally have someone around to discuss the things that I never talk to anyone about.

I still haven’t decided exactly how I’m going to ever say that I know her, considering no one I know has an idea that I do anything here. I did tell Andy and Tim I was going to hang out with some girl, but I just left out the part about how I knew her from the internet. I don’t want to lie to my friends, but I don’t want anyone knowing about my OD either. I knew someone had still been reading this right up until I changed my name and went favorites only for some months. It’s nice to feel hidden again, and I don’t want to change that.

—————————————-

I feel overwhelmingly relieved that I won’t have to worry about money once things get in swing at Caesar’s, but that doesn’t change the lingering feeling of uncertainty I have about my future and my happiness. Despite my fresh breath of optimism, I still feel jaded about living and about ever feeling satisfied, and I think if you look closely enough it shows. Every now and then I’ll look off into nothing for just half a second, because I can’t stop myself from thinking about things. As stupid as it sounds, in those moments, all I really want is a nod of understanding (not even empathy), or hell, just a hug. I need comfort too.

But there’s nowhere to find it here.