Already

Strange that I have something I feel liike saying so soon. Maybe it’ll turn out to be less than I think.

Same deal as before: get bored and skip ahead.

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To finish the story from two entries ago, I finally ended up getting in contact with the girl, and I was content to continue with our friendship as if nothing had happened, which seemed to be what she wanted. However, that all changed. We’d hung out a couple times since then. On the last ocaasion I spent time with her, I felt yet again like I had nothing to contribute, I didn’t know why she called me, I didn’t understand what positive experience I provided. This is not something I can really say, so I put it more along the lines of calling myself boring and saying things like “I don’t have anything for us to do.” This is also the truth; it feels like I’ve exhausted all my options for social entertainment. I tend to just ask a lot of questions about the other person’s life, and usually they stay content talking about themselves. Everyone’s favorite topic. But eventually you can’t fill that time… something else is needed. I’m not sure what that something is, I seemed to have had it at one time, but now I can’t remember what I did with people. Went places and said things, mostly.

I’m off topic. She ended up sitting next to me on a bean bag chair in my room and intentionally putting her elbow in my face, making it rather uncomfortable for me. Everytime I would move her arm, she would put it back. I asked her to stop, and when she didn’t, I asked her why she was doing it. She responded that I should just give up and accept it. I sat in extreme discomfort for a minute thinking about it. Not wanting to get up, I renewed my efforts to reposition her, but she was very insistent. I sat there for about 10 minutes with my face being shoved into the chair, hoping it would stop. It didn’t. I moved her off of me, got up, and sat elsewhere. I thought for moment about what had happened. It seemed really unnecessary. Even though this pyhsical discomfort was an isolated incident (sort of), it really summed up how I felt about how many people treat me. I thought for a moment more and decided that it wouldn’t do any good to say anything, and that I should just forget it and move on. Somehow, I ended up not listening to myself. I mentioned it to her, and said that it bothered me, and I wished she wouldn’t do things like that. I said that it reminded me of how one of my ex-girlfriends treated me in late highschool, and how childish and annoying it was. I’m not really confrontational about anything, I just mostly take it and don’t care, which is maybe how I got myself in that position to begin with. I’d really hoped, when I decided to not care, that when I did ever say anything about anything, that people would listen. This has not worked as well as I planned. People just tend to not listen just as much as before.

On this occasion, she got really pissed that I “made a big deal about nothing,” and suddenly “had to leave.” Initially regretting not listening to my own decision, I told her nevermind, and begged her to stay, but she left anyway.

After she left, I thought some more, in a bigger perspective. I thought of the fact that much of my discomfort and hatred has been due to people, and about how I now struggle to get any enjoyment from social interaction. I listened to some music for a while and then watched a movie by myself, and afterwards, reflected on my preference to intake media alone.

I’ve thought for a while now that it was pretty illogical for me to care about anyone, but I was stuck in an infinite loop because I already did care about them. These new reflections on my relationships, paired with my recent disconnectivity gave me a convenient excuse to get out of this loop.

Some more thought (hate-filled, as usual [which I hate]), and I reached a conclusion. I turned my phone off and haven’t turned it on since.

We’ll see how long this lasts.

One friend has always been an exception to the rule, and most of my frustration and pain involving her has been my own dumbass doing. Dreams putting things in my head that didn’t need to be there, complicated emotions and uncertainty getting in the way of just enjoying one another… that sort of thing. I mostly got over it, and things have gone smoother since.

I’m not really sure where she fits in to the new plan. She’s in France for a while, so I have some time to decide.

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I think I overuse parenthetical phrases, but everytime I find myself typing one, it seems necessary.

I can’t stand when people think that they’re clever. I learned early in life that people hear the same jokes everyday from enough dumbasses that think they’re the first to make it. I can’t see why this is not apparent to everyone. This is why I never make jokes about someone’s name, or even ask if they “get that a lot.”

Today is the fifth day since I started working that I’ve averaged less than minumum wage/hour. Friendly, prompt, and efficient doesn’t do the trick with cheap assholes. They really shouldn’t be eating at a steakhouse if they can’t afford to tip. They have to realize that I live off of that money. Most of my tips are 20-25%, though. The real problem is that no one comes into the restaurant, despite its location in the middle of a busy highway of a nice commercial area. The Texas theme grates on my nerves less than I expected. I figure it’s again connected to the lack of fight left in me.

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On the same topic as earlier, I think that a life of reasonable solitude wouldn’t be so bad. I’ve lost most of my natural desire for social interaction and I hate sayings like “no man is an island.” I wonder if I could stay reasonably entertained living by myself, knowing no one, and dealing only in single-serving aquaintances. I’d watch a lot of movies, play a lot of video games, and read a lot of books. Maybe that’s a goal to work towards.

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That’s more than I thought I had to say. Maybe this is the beginning of more frequent updates. For all 2 of you.