Write to write

I suck at life. I’ve finally have come to a point where I can’t right the ship anymore. I’d say I burnt my bridges, but they burnt themselves down. I weakly took the easy path in life and hand “me” over to my ex and our family. I haven’t been “me” since 1987 before Vikki, the first ex.

I was constantly saved from my fuckups. By my parents and others. I just sucked for all these years. I had Patty as my security blanket always there to make feel like there was hope I would pull it together. No, I wasn’t an anchor on her, I did my part for us, but I was worried about not having “the moments” and having stuff instead of the real security of savings and planning. I decided that that was my life. Her and the kids until my last breath.

She just wouldn’t talk about what she felt bad about, letting resentment build in her. I would have done anything. I threw myself into making her and the kids happy and comfortable. I threw myself into the house and yard, making it safe and enjoyable. She took it all and left me with nothing.  This woman who up to the second said she loved me, said she was happy, said she cared, had turned on me with such a vengeance that just seems to get worse for the years we haven’t been together. She made me into a villain so throughly that she refuses to even remember we had a great life. Sure there was money issues and yes I will admit I wasn’t the most sunny person to live with for a stretch. I had lost a child who I had really failed to be a good father to. All Kayla wanted was to be my daughter and know she loved me and I blew it. She died because of injuries she got 10 years before in a car accident that would not have happened if I would have just agreed with Vikki when she wanted to send her to me because things were out of control in California. But things between her and Patty were tense and I took Patty side. We were just about to close on our home and were living with my parents and I told Vikki not right now, we have to get settled. Kayla never came to stay with us as just a normal girl again. After the accident, after the hospital stay and the little rehab she got, I came to bring her home to me. She thrived at the school special ed and exceeded all the goals and then turned into a teenager. Her and Patty fought, not violent things, verbal. Oil and water. Long story short, Vikki had moved from the “trouble area” to New Mexico and a new start and Kayla wanted to go back.

A couple years later she came back to stay and the first night they had a fight, verbal, about going out so late, I worked nights, and Kayla took off. Well, stupid me decided she needed a real world experience and honestly in Silver Creek she couldn’t fart without someone letting me know.

Point is, I should have been a better father. I should have worked with her and Patty to get along better. I didn’t and now she’s gone. That weighed in me, but we didn’t talk about it, I didn’t want Patty to feel uncomfortable.  Then all the crap with my mother falling into dementia and how I experienced my last few year with her as I became “a horrible fuck who shouldn’t have been born”.

So yeah, I was depressed and questioning who I was, what I did, what I didn’t do, how to make life better for her and the kids. I was bottling up the feelings I shouldn’t and whining about “what ifs” All the while she seemed to want to be there for me or at least I thought she was. She didn’t need to talk to me, just her being there was all I needed. Maybe you could say, she was the lock that kept the closet in my head closed and when she turned on me, 48 years of pushing all the pain and sadness down came rushing out and somehow I turned into a narcissistic whining bitch boy according to everyone. EVERYONE.

This entry has totally gone off the rails from what I intended, but it does show where my head and heart are at.

I just don’t know what to do and essentially because I’m 51 and man, everyone makes me feel like a dumb fuck because I’m lost and I can’t keep up with the losses. I am typing on a phone at 1am trying to make myself understand and somehow find that one thing to grab on to to start the change. That one thing to make it right. The one thing I don’t trust anymore. After the separation, I through myself into the job I had at the time and was “dismissed” because I didn’t have a degree to do the job I had done for close to 4 years. BOOM, back to the bottom. So after living on food stamps and 2 unemployment checks before they (the job) fought to pay. I find my last job, I learn the job even when I felt as though I was being talked down to. I bust my ass to be more than they need. This was my change. I screw up the nice covid unemployment pay day by figuring out a loop hole to reopen because the big guys down south wanted us to stay open. I fix 3 years of the woman I came to “fill in” for DMV mistakes and also discover along the way she was stealing from them. I train her replacement and stay on because I was the cover guy who could do all the jobs and the problem solver. This was mine, the first thing I had on my own, alone. Never took any time off that wasn’t necessary like the “cancer scare” last summer. I did all my work and the other guys work for 2 months because he broke 5 ribs without so much as a thank you. 3 days before Thanksgiving BOOM. Job ripped from me, back to hole. So I decide to take the “unemployment time” to fix me, get healthy, take some time to either go back or find something I would enjoy doing. I spent most of my life taking what came along. I almost finally get comfortable and not feeling guilty or wrong for being on the system BOOM, I am out of an apartment now.

I’ve know this for 3 days now and do you know how next to impossible it is to find an apartment? I am unemployed with shit credit because I can’t afford to pay on the credit cards. Even the shit places wants a credit check, who cares if I can make my rent. Oh and rent, it will take atleast $1000 down to get even the cheapest studio.

So what have I learned and why have I written this entry? I suck. I am a 51 year old “mommas boy” without a momma or a momma stand in. I never took being me seriously like I did being Patty’s husband and the kid’s father. I have no social skills or a common balanced mind to work life’s problems out on my own. I have no more filter on my emotions and can’t even mention her name or our family without becoming a blubbering idiot. I see 51 as a crutch and how I will be judged too old for everything,  except knee replacement which I desperately need. My end plans are all gone and literally given to another man who did nothing to deserve it other than take advantage of a woman who was questioning things.

I just can’t see me coming back from this anymore and it’s bringing my thoughts back to the dark place I was in for months in 2019 after the separation. I’m starting to not care anymore and feeling like no one around here cares.