Why

WHY?????

WHY CAN’T I MOVE ON???

WHY AM I, TO THIS DAY, HAUNTED BY EVERYTHING????

Yet another morning where the first thought is about her, about my lost family. Once more the night was full of dreams of her, all the same, no love or affection, just disgust. I don’t want to remember her this way, but even my mind is rebelling on me now because I can’t remember her any other way. Is that a good thing? Is it my mind’s way of telling me to get over and move on? She was never like this, never nasty and so stand-offish, even when she was pissed at me.

I have some fucked up needs to be validated. Oh, I’m sure if we were to sit down over coffee I would be due to being a momma’s boy. How she spoiled me with comments and acknowledgments that only a doting mother can. That’s why I’ve been the dancing monkey my whole life… “NOTICE ME, EVERYONE”, “LOOK AT ME”, or “LOVE ME”. I guess it all worked when I was younger and better looking, but now it’s just a sad middle-aged loser needing to be validated that he matters, at least to someone.

I said it before, I probably say it every time I write, but the change or end of the only life I knew and enjoyed happened in seconds. The loss of my sister’s love and comfort in hours. The end of lifelong friendships in days. Everything that defined me was gone in a week. My faith had failed me. My beliefs had failed me. God, it seems, had also turned his back on me.

I’ve attempted a few new “relationships” and they have all gone the same. They tell me how their “experiences” have shaped them or affected them. How he did this or that to them, how it hurt, and how they would now only live for themselves. I would just barely open my mouth about myself and would be shut down for making it seem as if my problems had no meaning and they were only there to validate them. I’m not looking for a caregiver or a replacement for my mother but is empathy too much to ask for.

I guess I’m just a hopeless waste of skin now to everyone. I’m my boy’s father, but even they don’t turn to me for advice. I don’t want to think anymore, but I have the suspicion that God’s sense of humor would completely keep my brain and thoughts in tip-top condition if I tried to do something to end them. I have always said that I won’t attempt suicide because I would fuck it up and wind up totally helpless and paralyzed with my mind fully functional, stuck thinking and agonizing for years without no way and no one to help me.