Who am I

I’ve wasted my life. I have some wonderful memories,  but they’re all too painful to think about right now.. I love my children,  wouldn’t want that any other way. I haven’t ever been the same since my daughter died. Patty was escape, my calm in the storm and now that’s gone, she’s somebody’s else’s.

So that brings me back to the wasted life. It wasn’t just her, it was also my first ex too. I gave up my teenage dreams to be a father and a husband. I have never been respected as either. Child support has been a constant struggle for me since 1991 with only a brief break. I never saw the world. Never got to spend the time with friends.

I see people, several of my high-school friends, so successful. They are someone. They are principles, business owners, doctors and lawyers, even one who has been in movies and even written several plays. Here I am, no retirement, no home, barely surviving. I threw everything into her and my family and now I don’t even have that. Her new husband wasted his life being an asshole and he fell into everything I built for years knowing that I gave up all the childhood dreams to go all in on my family. It’s all gone now.

Not like a natural disaster or a horrible fire, it’s all right there in plain view and is no longer mine. Since day one of this people have just acted as though I had nothing to do with any of it like it was her and him that built their lives and I was never anything.  It doesn’t help that nobody around here even acknowledges me or helped me in any way.

So here I am

I’m a joke as a father, brother, husband, and a man. I have nothing. My clothes are old. My health is shit. My kids love me, but don’t need me for anything. They don’t call for advice or help on homework. They rarely if ever just call to talk or to see how I am. They’re kids, I get it, but the 4 of them are the only 4 people who seem to like me.

I have never been told why she decided to leave me at all or why I lost everything.  I had no fight in me because of the lack of support and no money to fight for my fair share.

I’m 51 years old. I have a job I like, but everyday I am left feeling that tomorrow will be my last because of how I’m treated.  I am a month behind on rent with no way to get ahead of it. My truck is about to break and I can’t afford to fix it or repair it on my own. I can no longer afford therapy and I have over $500 in hospital and doctor visits and I woke up this morning pissing blood, again. I can’t get a consolidation loan to fix my credit because of my credit.

Why? Because I wasted my life for other people. I gave all I could for their safety, security, and comfort. I never had time to get a higher education to be a better person and find a real career. I am in debt so my ex can have a fresh start with out so much as an apology.

There’s help out there, just not for me. I make too much for any social services,  but not enough to pay things. I work a job for a salary that has odd hours so it’s next to impossible to work a part time one and actually find time to sleep more than 3-4 hours. Sure if I was younger and healthier this wouldn’t be an issue, but I’m not.

I’m a shit person that is taking up someone’s, who’s better, air, water, and resources.