Well, that didn’t help
$20 less in my account and a stomach ache. That’s where my “fuck it, just do it” attitude got me. Yeah, I flirted some. Of course the only ones to play along were married and obviously not like my ex and willing to destroy their husbands and families.
I seriously am trying to be better, be more self confident, but it seems as though things won’t change. I have been making all kinds of efforts to come out of my shell. Going out more, putting my self out there, it all feels like a colossal waste of time. No one has come up to me. No one has seemed remotely interested in having a conversation. I make a concerted effort to smile, be positive, and not bring up the past, but I’m still left to feel like I’m no one. Unimportant. A waste of time to talk to.
By now, most people know I’m back in town. Enough people have seen me to get the mill running. Yet, no calls or texts. But, I guess I have to call and text and act as if all the shit they did doesn’t mean a thing while understanding I will never be allowed to treat them anywhere as shitty as they have all treated me.
Yes, I realize that you fake it to make it. I realize that no one will ever apologize or give a shit about what happened to me and what it has done to me. Even the “ones” who said they care haven’t talked to me since November.
It’s my fault for never learning how to enjoy me. Learned to be me for me and not for what others want from me. I guess if I want people in my life, my feelings shouldn’t matter.
Ok, need to go catch up…
Warning Comment
Of course they don’t want to be treated as shitty as they’ve treated you. I’m sure most of those people, or all, would deny having ever treated you that way anyhow…of course they would.
You do need to learn to enjoy yourself but I know that’s so much easier said than done. Most days I do not enjoy my own company.
Warning Comment
It does take alot of energy to put yourself out there. I understand. Most people are lost in their own lives, the chaos, the responsibilities of what must be done and running late. In life, we have to be “intentional” with actions outside our comfort zone. After awhile it becomes habit. I always tell people I do things with intention and hoping they catch on that in life we are robots and have to stop to notice things happening around us and not to us. Meeting people is very difficult, at least for a woman, meeting men with decent intentions. Also, whatever has happend in the past was a mistake, not a life lesson. If you corrected the behaviour and not do it again, you have learned from it hopefully. Its in the past and no longer matters.
Warning Comment