This Morning

I feel numb today. I’m hoping to hold on to this feeling. Well, for the most part anyway. It’s also making me like giving up the fight and just settling into a life of loneliness and accepting that this is how it’s going to be from now on.

I’ve been chatting with a lady I met online. I have no clue what it is that she wants. I’m old enough to recognize the game she is playing about getting together and dating though, and I have to say, as alone as I am, I don’t care to play it. She is doing the waffling back and forth thing. Saying she doesn’t have the time but has acted mad because I haven’t asked her out or talked on the phone. She is playing the wait until I text her instead of ever texting me first and if I don’t I must not like her. It’s hard to actually explain it, but she’s playing at the “chase me” thing as if I was some horny teenager and I don’t have the energy. I just want to meet, have coffee, and talk. I don’t have the money to wine and dine her and I’m sure that will end things even though she professes that she doesn’t need anything from anyone.

Or, maybe I am just an asshole. What is it they say about doing the same thing for the same bad results over and over again? “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I like her, but we’re both over 50 and I don’t feel like I have the time for a slow burn, especially for the distance. She is not far, but it’s far enough to make the build-up annoyingly longer than it needs to be. That is selfish of me, I don’t know what she’s been through.

IDK, as I said, my mind is numb and I really don’t know where I am going in this entry.

I want what I can’t have, but others have proved that it happens. In a span of weeks, my ex met a man for whom she destroyed me, our family, and all 20 years of memories.  For all the ” things will go sour after the honeymoon phase” crap I’ve heard, they’re going strong. Remarried and jumped right into all kinds of things together, much of them what I would have done, but she never wanted to or asked of me.

I guess the biggest fear I have held all my life is coming true. I will be one of those sad-looking old men you see at the store. They’ve given up on themselves wearing the same clothes for days and just don’t want to make the effort to shower. They either reek of cigarettes or have that weird musty smell. They sit at the counter at the diner and try to interject into people’s conversations and annoyingly flirt with the waitresses. They walk out either saying goodbye to no one’s answered salutation or quietly with one last look around at the happy families and couples with a sigh. That’s what I am becoming.

Does actual love matter? I would have done anything for Patty, yet she never once ask me and never showed me that she had problems. She just sat there getting bitter and angry. Bitter and angry enough to just throw me under the bus and allow people to say all kinds of shit about me knowing I wasn’t that “man”. How do you change if no one says that there is a problem? How do know someone is unhappy if they never let you know? Maybe I’m not worth the effort. Maybe that’s why the lady expects me to do all the work to date her. I have always felt that I have never been loved other than my parents and my kids. I guess I should be just satisfied with that.