Things I want to say to the ex but, won’t

I think the last time I wrote was in December. I’ve decided to come back. I need to gets some stuff off my mind…

P****,

These last few years have been very hard. I have been sick, depressed, and very lonely. For some reason, you are my measuring stick for a new relation. We saw how well that went. I still can’t believe you jumped right back into marriage with him. I mean the ink wasn’t even dry on the divorce papers.  I hear you guys are going out on trips, taking the boys on vacations, and that you have a whole group of new friends now. It hurts because I never stopped you from doing all those when we were together.

I think you owe me an apology. The cheating was one thing but, the lies and broken promises you told me so I would give you “space” to think. You never planned on doing counselling. You didn’t care that the boys were immediately thrust into your new relationship. Less than 4 hours I was gone. You lied when we discussed the divorce agreement, you never were going to give me my share of the house I was raised in. You took advantage of me being broken by all of this.

Who are you? Where is the woman I knew, loved and trusted for 20 years? The mother of my children. The woman my parents called daughter and my siblings called sister.  All I did was try to love you and respect you more than anyone. Yes, we had the hard times like all marriages do but, we faced them together. You never said anything about being unhappy. Now you’re some cruel, self-centered, and nasty person, the exact kind of person you had hated all our time together. You have thrown me under the bus to play a victim you never were so much so that even you have believed your own lies.

How can a person do that? How do you look at our children and live in my family’s home and make it ok with you? What turns a caring, compassionate, and lovely person into what you have become? I’m told it was money. He offered you a shallow excuse of love. I see the new stuff and I hear about the trips and the useless babbles you have. I never thought I would meet, let alone be involved with someone willing to give up so much for money. I understand, women want security. You sold me out for money. You took your children’s father away and changed their lives forever, for money. Did we have tough financial issues? Yes, but we had a plan. I have heard you tell people that I put you in debt, but you did what we planned and you weren’t. I was though.

I left with nothing. I left with a promise I could get established. It took you 4 hours to go with your new man to close accounts and squirrel the money for yourself, leaving me stuck in a shitty apartment I had to beg to get and now didn’t have the money. I laid in an emergency room several times because of panic attacks and anxiety attacks and thoughts of suicide. Alone. Did you know, when you left so did my friends and family? My sister made it all about herself. She wanted to see the boys, knowing full well she wouldn’t keep them from you. So you stopped taking my calls and messages. Not a hug or an ounce of support from the only other woman left in my life. My friends, well I don’t know what happened, they just stopped caring. I thought, hoped, that they would help me rise above my pain and loss like I did them when they lost their first girlfriend and their first wives. They didn’t. Even the Pastor who sat and listened and quoted the Bible about the horrible sin of what you did, he betrayed me by marrying you two.

Its been exactly 2 years, 7 months and 25 days since you broke me. I still don’t know why. I still haven’t been able to be financially secure. I am missing so much of the boy’s lives and cannot do anymore than what I can. I’m still alone. I’m still broken.

Just an apology.