The problem

I heard back from a lady on a dating site, who according to her profile, is actively searching for a serious relationship. As it always seems to be, she wrote that she just doesn’t have the time for a relationship, let alone time to date. She went on to say she had 3 young children, which she also mentions in her profile, and went on about how it would be wrong for them and me to become involved. It really strikes me as funny seeing my ex instantly move in her guy and thrust him immediately into my kids’ lives. I guess I can appreciate that she cared enough to let me down easily and say she is not interested in someone like me. Suppose it’s better than letting I guy swing without any response. So yeah, strike #20 on the whole dating thing.

All this got me thinking last night. Every major relationship I was in for the last 35 years has ended abruptly and so final that it has to be me. I literally spent close to an hour straining my brain, to a headache, going over each one and looking for the why. I must be a narcissistic ass hat because I just can’t think of a time I was horrible or nasty to any of them. I never cheated, was attentive, and did everything within my power to make each one comfortable and happy. Maybe that’s what the problem was. Deep down they all wanted an asshole. That was the type of man they choose to leave me for. Must be what I and all the other “nice guys” have been right all these years that deep down most women say that want a nice guy, but they really don’t. I must be the problem then.

I must be the problem at the jobs I have held over these 35 years too. Like relationships, I somehow rub everyone wrong and I am left out and always the excuse for others’ failings. I finally got to a point here at this job where I asked to be credited for my own sales. I don’t profit from it at all, to me it’s just a point of pride I would love to have for my hard work. That was too much to ask though for the other 2. My co-worker, the sales manager, has several plaques on his wall for sales. That’s because every sale, every new customer, and every prospect get written up under his name no matter who takes the call or makes the sale. The other lady that works here was hired to be the cashier/title clerk and yet she chose to get involved in sales and several times sold trailers or promised them without ever letting me know, she and he are up each other’s asses that they could be conjoined twins. This leaves me having to backtrack and call a customer I worked with and tell them the trailer I promised has been sold, which leads them to call the manager and complain about what a two-faced bastard I am after I assured them I had their trailer. Knowing full well what has happened, I am thrown under the bus to save face. They “cherry-pick” people and send me the “undesirable” ones and either way I am made to write up the sales. She screws up the title work, I have to fix it. They screw up a sale, I have to fix it. Yet I’m not allowed to take credit unless it’s one of their mistakes or fuck ups, then I get the credit and am still expected to fix things.

I’m sure it’s all in my mind, that’s what everyone says, but when this keeps happening day after day, week after week, and year after year for 35 years it’s hard to think “it’s all in my head” Maybe I should be glad that I am noticed even if it’s to be blamed and used.