The ol hometown

I’m really not enjoying being back here. The “plan” isn’t working as I thought it would. The boys don’t call more or stop by. If it wasn’t for me initiating things over the last couple weeks, I would hardly ever hear from them. I’ve been more or less, used by Patty to take the boys here and there, or pick them up, which I don’t mind, but it’s not really done with the intentions of her believing they need me in their lives.

I have been trying to be “more public”, but other than Krista the other day, no one has seemed to even notice me. I can’t shake the made up feeling of being a pariah here eventhough I was the victim in all of this. Then again, that’s how I’ve always felt since this went to shit 4 years ago.

The job is good, keeps me busy 9 hours a day, but the loneliness waits for me when it’s all done.

As you can see, I’m having a pretty low self esteem day. I know I have lost weight, but I feel disgustingly fat. I feel ugly and worthless. I know these are not who I am, but “sticks and stones”. My “bad” self is yelling the insults in my ear and it just doesn’t seem to know when to stop.

I’m missing being held like I hold my youngest. Just someone to cuddle up to and maybe a gentle back rub or a small slight tickle on the back of my neck. I don’t need sex, I would just settle for this. Maybe I am just a scared man child or maybe it’s because I’ve gone through 4 years of Hell and not had one person who was supposed to be close for me tell me things will be ok. I guess I’m not a “real man” and that’s why she and they left and I can’t find someone new.