The 2 of me??

I don’t think I have ever been romantically loved. There has never been a person in my life that has sat around for years, pining away for me as I have for others. Neither has there ever been anyone that has fallen head over heals for me either. I’ve seen it happen though. I watched twice as my first and second wives fell totally in love with someone else and thought nothing of me or family.

I don’t think I have ever been cared for, worried over, or caused another anxiety in my relationships. I can’t recall in either marriages when one of them cried for me, comforted me, or just “out of the blue” did a selfless thing for me, like I had for the both of them.

When both relationships fell apart, neither one wasted time immediately telling and showing the world. The first wasn’t bad since we were together a couple of years and kind of stayed home, but my second, most of the village knew us as a couple and yet just took it in stride. No one cared enough to say or do anything.

I’ve been waiting for the “honeymoon” phase to end and for her to realize her mistake. You see, that was the only advice I was given from an old friend on  Facebook. ” You’ve been together a long time,” she said,” she’s just caught up in the new excitement of things and eventually she will come to realize your life together wasn’t terrible. She will rethink what she had done and look at the hurt she’s caused to your kids and family and out of the blue she’ll call you and want to talk.” Yeah, that didn’t happen. I did the “leave her alone” thing, the improve yourself thing, and the show her you don’t need her thing. She got engaged, filed for divorce, and promptly remarried before the ink dried.

So, I guess I am the only “common” factor in a life full of being left, hurt, and alone. I have never cheated on anyone I was involved with, yet I have not had one relationship where I wasn’t. They say men cheat for looks and women cheat for feelings. IDK, maybe I have schizophrenia, maybe I delude myself with thinking I do everything right. In my head I am loving, caring, kind, and unselfish, but in reality I am a bastard to friends, family, and relations. That would definitely answer the why I have sat alone for 3 years without any real contact from friends and family. I must be remembering it all wrong.. You see the first ex got out of Dodge before thing really went to shit with my schizophrenia, but sadly the second before she knew I had her in my demented clutches. I obviously forced myself on her at least 4 times, explains the kids. She had no choice but to be extremely covert about her “new” man and when everything was set up and assured, she heroically brook loose from my psychotic hold of her. For years, I must have lashed out on my siblings in horrific fashion, mentally and physically threatening them. They saw the strength my ex showed in breaking away from crazy brother and were inspired to do so also. Certainly explains why my sister is still very much friends with my ex and her new husband. My friends, the life long friends could take no more of my bullying and monstrous treatment, making our time together all about me. My rules, my wishes, and my plans. They both just had enough and also saw how everyone was finally breaking free from my psychotic schizophrenic personality. Even my children, I have obviously damaged over the course of their short lives needed to be free of me to enjoy life.

OR like it really seems, I’m no one to everyone.

I’m the “nice” guy at the trailer sales place. “What was his name? The bald guy. Ah, it doesn’t matter.” I’m the polite guy at the store saying “excuse me, pardon me” as I push past people in the isles. I seldom ever here a “that’s ok” or anything, instead I have to make due with a grunt, gasp, or silence. I’m the guy who follows the “rules of the road” and on a fairly regular basis gets rewarded with a middle finger or the endearing “you stupid fuck!!” I quietly take the insults and rejections and facelessly write them here with the hopes that strangers will take some pity on me and maybe think I am a better person then I apparently am. Although I would never go through with it, I think about the one pill, rope, or shot to make the pain stop for me and others. i’ve conditioned myself to live with the guilt my actions, both good or bad, selfish or selfless, have on everyone or anyone and I keep my head down in the world.

I’m not quite sure when I became worthless to most people in the world nor when those close to me stopped caring. I solider on, because that’s what you do in the eye’s of God. What do they say? Give yourself over to God and everything and anything is possible. I’m still waiting on that possible. I’ve been heart broken and damaged. I’ve lost a child and live with the what ifs and if onlys. I’ve been homeless and had to beg for things. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, and left.  When and where does this “possible” kick in?