Still hurt, angry, confused…

It’s been almost 3 years since the day my ex told me she wanted to separate. I’ve since lived that day over and over daily. I wasn’t allowed to fight for her. She wanted nothing to do with me other than support for the kids. A 20 year relationship was over in a manner of hours. We never had problems, not like one’s that would make a normal couple think of divorce anyway. To this day, I have no idea why?

She had her new man immediately move in and get involved with all my children’s lives. I had a mental break having buried the death of my daughter and mother, along with every bad thought and emotion. My mind couldn’t comprehend what was happening. I had no support. My siblings chose to stay quiet or make it about themselves choosing to side with the ex so they could see the kids, never once a hug or a kind word to her brother who was on the edge of suicide. Friends, life long friends, were no better. I had been there for births, deaths, and the lost of their relationships offering a shoulder, a place to crash, or an ear to bend. I have been truly alone in the “real world” since.

I am glad for my Facebook friends, but a computer won’t hug or dry tears or even listen as you fumble over typing and crying at the same time.

My ex was engaged 3 months after our separation. By my estimates, she only knew this man a couple months before our separation and they were engaged before a divorce paper was even a thought. While I spent every moment trying not to kill myself or in the hospital because panic attacks. When the divorce was finalized she remarried weeks later. From the day we separated she acts as if there was never anything between us. Why?

I eventually got a therapist and a psychologist.  I don’t want to kill myself and the several pills a day keep the “voices” at bay, but I still cry everyday about the loss of her, my little family, the only way of life I knew, and loss of the “supporters” I thought I had. I fucking hate this new life. I hate being alone, but can’t seem to have another relationship whether friend or romantic. I guess since I was a kid, all I wanted was a family like I grew up in. Both parents raising their children. Divorce was just something terrible people did because they were selfish.