Something I have to force myself not to write to her….

To my ex:

Patty,

You were and always will be my only true love. Whether or not it truly ended because of money issues, it just did. I did everything to make you happy and secure, but I must not have done enough. I’ve missed you everyday since. I cry in the morning when I wake and the minutes before bed, According to the love songs and sayings, my love for you should also mean that you’re happy and secure even with another, which now you are. You no longer have my name. I am no longer in your thought, other than the bitterness that I am not living up to what you consider a father should be after a divorce. I’m not like Bruce Willis is, I can’t be an old friend to you and just hang with you and your new husband. The way you left totally ended that chance.

I keep thinking there’s something in your heart for me. Four children and all the years together, there just has to be some emotion there.  Yet, you never allowed for a talk, second thought, counselling, or even a cry together leaving me to wonder if you ever were in love with me.  This was our first real test of our marriage and you completely wrote me off. You could have talked to me, I would have listened. I would have stopped the world from spinning for you.

Yes, I know that it’s almost been 3 years, and like you said, my problems now are mine, but this whole experience, hurt, and loss has fundamentally changed everything in me. My mind doesn’t work like it did, I can no longer hold any feelings in. My health has changed because of the deep depression I was and still am in. I physically hurt having and returning the boys on their visits from the loss of our family. I just wish you would give me sometime to just sit with me and offer an apology and try to release me from this guilt I feel for essentially you actions and choices.