“Simping” ain’t easy

As my other entry today shows, I have been an easy mark for other’s transgressions.

SIMP

a word that everyone overuses w/out the correct definition. it means a guy that is overly desperate for women, especially if she is a bad person, or has expressed her disinterest in him whom which he continues to obsess over.

Except, In my life it’s not just women. It’s friends, family, and strangers. Kind of always been that way to. I’ve been runover so much in life I can be considered black top. As much as I try to change, it keeps coming back to it. I don’t know if I was raised in a way that my guilt is such that I can’t be selfish or if a youth spent in the church made me care more for others than myself. I find myself at age 50 with nothing to show for 50 years of living, well not entirely I have 4 boys who I love, but seem to have rolled with the punches and act as though I am just a special treat once in awhile. I have lost a child, 2 failed marriages, life-long friends who just left me dangling, both parents, and my siblings won’t talk to me. The divorce 3 years ago left me penniless, broken, homeless, and with just the clothes on my back.

And I took it like a Simp would.

Several attempts to meet someone or date someone have fallen apart as soon as they learned my lot in life. Don’t have the money to be a sugar daddy or the life that is together for anyone my age. I fall for stuff like this; I have a friend, a female friend from back in high school. At the time, not so long ago she was living overseas and also going through a divorce. Unlike me, she had me to talk to, cheer up, and lend a shoulder. She would tell me how she always had a crush on me and would jump at a chance of reconnecting. Well apparently that was said, because she obviously never thought she would step foot in the States again. Her divorce finalized and unfortunately she moved home. I haven’t heard from her since. You see, people care for me when they know they will never run into me. The online faceless people like Facebook or even Open diary, no offence, have always told me how important I am, how attractive I am, and how much they would love to sit down or go out with me. That is until the reality of it happens. Several times in the last 3 years of my “breakdown” I’ve heard those sentiments only to learn these people where nearby for one reason or another and made absolutely no effort to contact me, yet plastered all over their socials are them at the bar or a party with the other “concerned”  people.

So, how do I shut it off? The concern and caring I don’t receive in return. The few times in my life I was in the least bit selfish, I was called out in such a way that most people would bury their heads in the sand like an ostrich.  Yet, it’s always been totally fine to leave me standing with my d$%^ in my hand as they run me over. If I’m going to change to be “that” person, I better learn to be totally on my own from here on out…