Same day, once a week

Sunday morning. 6am. Another day off that I should enjoy, but won’t. Been up since 4:30, but laid in bed as the thoughts started to boil in my head. I got up and told my kid he could lay down in my bed so it would free up the couch and wouldn’t disturb him.

Oh, to be 15 again. I was fucking untouchable then. I hadn’t let people screw me over and everything went as smoothly as possible. Now, I sit here trying to see what I write through tears and fogged up glasses.

3 years and I still sob everyday. Every single day since. Who does that? 3 YEARS… I physically live in the now, but mentally can’t stop living in January 2019.

I have only myself to blame for 35 years of failure, hurt, and heartbreak. I wasn’t a good son or brother. I haven’t been a good man or husband. I’m shit as a Father. I’ve chosen the easy way all these years and blamed God and everyone for all the bad that’s come into my life. I’ve squandered every and any chance at happiness and fulfillment. I’ve pushed people so far away that when the leave me, they never ever look back.

I sit here in a freezing truck at Tim Hortons, drinking a coffee and smoking a cigarette Wishing that Patty would call and say please come home. That will never happen nor will she even talk to me and listen as she had in the past. I’m trying to hold on to the only things in my life that matter, which is 4 boys. I know they love me as I do them, but it kills me how readily they accepted everything.  In a matter of a day I left and he moved in and no one took offense to it.

I feel like I’m just a novelty to them. A weekend get away from the other 3 or 2 annoying brothers. The oldest 2 have cell phones, but never call or message me for nothing. Just like all the others my phone sits silently on the table beside me. If it wasn’t for Bill collectors and spam calls it would never ring.

Maybe I am narcissistic. I’m to blame for my and other’s unhappiness, but I’m too blind to see it. I pushed Patty into the arms of another. A man that doesn’t live thinking of past regrets and hurts. I just can’t understand how she could dump me after years together and act as if we never were. I never abused her physically or mentally. I stressed everyday about her happiness and my possible failure to make her happy, but never put forth the efforts needed. Maybe she did show signs or tried to tell me, but I was too stupid to see.

I know people would be sad if I left this world, but I also believe that they wouldn’t grieve for me as I have them. There wouldn’t be a funeral or remembrance. There wouldn’t be an obituary in the paper. There would still be people who have no idea for years. Who would even make the decision about what to do with my body? My kids are to young. Patty apparently hates me. My Sister would see it as how I once again burdened her life. My brothers would shrug their shoulders and do nothing. This is my legacy. To be forgotten and not talked about. A man who wanted nothing more than to have a family. A loving wife and children. Now I’m the sperm donor that a woman had the misfortune of being with. The Father of 4 boys who were raised by another man. The brother who was a burden. The needy friend. The bad neighbor.  The weirdo that sat in his truck for an hour at the Tim Hortons.  The oddball who would tell inappropriate jokes and uncomfortably flirt. The fat, bald, and ugly guy. The piss poor employee and coworker. The forgotten guy the graduated with us.

That’s who I am. If I’m lucky I might just be an after thought to someone.