Over and over

Two years, that’s almost how long it’s been. I live the conversation over and over in my head everyday since. You on the other hand, you immediately started a new life with a new man. The divorce is done, you’ve remarried and I am stuck in two years ago.

Actually, two years from today, we were still a family. The happiness from Christmas still in the air. The kids still playing with their presents like the day they opened them. You and I, still cuddled up watching them. Only now the memory is forever ruined by the fact another person was on your mind and you were just building up what I can only think was pure hate for me and how you were preparing how you would destroy me in the coming days.

I’ve hurt people in the past, but never crushed their souls and taking everything from them. No reason given. No consideration for our children or family. You can even honor what we decided in the divorce. I have to now legally fight for a pittance of 20 years of our relationship.

I exist like a ghost now. No one calls or visits. People in public ignore my greetings and attempts to be friendly. I spend my time trying to figure out what I did to you and others, just so I can understand why it is that I have become nothing more than a leper to everyone. Thing is, I would admit my faults, if they were so horrible to justify this all, but they weren’t. Even with knowing about my BPD, I never lashed out, only feeling sorry I couldn’t give people more and stressing about it. If that is why I have lost you, family, and friends, than I have no reason to be on this Earth.