Or maybe it is me

My day started bad, but at least it was a nice warm morning, but my mood along with the weather has become cold and grey. It’s one of the days I have at least 3 to 4 times a month where I just can’t shake the hopelessness of my situation.

I’m sorry, but I just don’t see this as an opportunity as everyone tells me to. Maybe if I had lived a life of selfishness and been self-serving I would feel better about all this, but I lived for my family, my wife, and children. All the decisions were for them. From 18 years old until I was 48, it was keeping others happy, safe, and secure. When she gave up on me, on us, it took away everything from me. YES, I still have the boys and I do whatever I can for them and with them, but it will never be the same. I lost everything and in 3 years I haven’t even got close to being able to save any rainy day money. I still live in the debt part of a marriage and will be for a few more years as I pay off things I don’t even have. All the while she has remarried with a clean slate and all the things we worked for over 20 years. All of this hasn’t affected my kids at all. I think they see me sad, but they never have acknowledged it. They do their best when they come to slum it with me for a day or two.

Maybe I asked for this life. Maybe my actions or faults took me to this lonely existence. I honestly do not remember treating other people badly, but maybe I did and I was too narcissistic to realize it. Maybe I should have been more greedy of people’s affections than giving. Or, maybe I am just one of those people who are outside of everything that is never acknowledged and meaningless to others. Like a penny, I’m sometimes needed, but no one cares if they drop me.