One last thing 2/21/22

I subscribed to Paramount plus. This is not an advertisement, but rather a better understanding of how things in life affect me or trigger me.

I’ve been watching the series Bull and this episode he and his ex wife/ girlfriend have their baby. It has torn me to pieces watching it. Four times, well actually 5, but 4 times me and Patty were right there like that. Me holding her hand an comforting her as she was in labor. Holding both her and each one of our boys. The last one, Caden, was born and there was a scare. Not him, but her. They couldn’t control the bleeding.  They took Caden to the nursery and told me I had to leave. The worry and hurt I felt for that 1/2 hour was unexplainable. She was my whole world and I prayed and prayed that she wouldn’t be taken from me.

Every one of our children’s births were incredibly special to me and I thought they were to her also. How could you turn away from a person you go through all that with. Four times. How do people not think of that and not realize the love that was there and not want to do everything to save that for each other and the kids?

I guess my problem is I am 50 years old and I am still totally naive about love and how the world works. As I have said over and over, we didn’t have an abusive relationship. We didn’t have petty fights and never went to bed angry. I did everything in my power to make her happy and comfortable. I didn’t realize I had Borderline Personality Disorder then, but I knew something wasn’t right with me. Yet I kept it from affecting her or at least I believe I did. I had my blue moments, my worthless feelings, my issues. I talked to her about things and why I was sad, mad, or just weird at different moments. She never said that I was bothering her with it. She saw what I went through when my daughter died and when my parents died. She was the calm in the storm of my mind and all I asked of her was to be there. I could have the most heart wrenching day filled with pain, sadness, anger, and loss and it would all melt away when I wrapped my arm around her in bed. The only thing that ever quieted my thoughts was that, holding her.

I have yet found a way to stop the thoughts and the bad since. I have taken most types of medications for my anxiety and depression and although initially they work, it never has gone away. I want it to go away. I want it all to go away.  I’m serious, I want to try Keritan or TMS. Right now I would even do shock therapy or a lobotomy to make the hurt stop. I would rather be a zombie and not think about her, then to continue like this.