Obligation

The one thing my divorce has given me is time. Time to think, time to hurt, time to sit in depressed silence. Last night was one of those thinking nights. I think my ex stayed with me out of some kind of weird obligation. I think our whole relationship was that also. The more I try to remember my relationship with her the more clearer it becomes that she may have never really loved me in the way a couple should. Sure, we have kids. Things happen, contraceptives fail. I remember asking her to marry me when our fist child was conceived and how she said there was no rush, only to agree with me when she was pregnant with our second, because it may get weird for the kids. Nothing special, judge did it. No pictures and no recorded memories other than a piece of paper.

I can’t remember ever being comforted by her when things took a shit for me. I honestly don’t remember if she ever initiated any sex.

When the end came, I guess you can say when it came for her, there was no crying from her about how our 20 relationship was ending or how are family was ending. Stone faced, she kept saying to be civil. She immediately made it public by going out with her “new man” that same night. Mind you this happened in a day and no, there was no signs, no tells, she pulled the greatest blindside in the histories of blindsides. Whatever obligation she ever felt ended that afternoon. I fell for the lies of counselling and space to think. The lies that the boys would not be introduced to the new guy until they could process what was happening…

That got me out of the house, got me to give her “space”. Her lies lasted about one hour. He was moved in that night, never to leave, boy’s feelings be damned. Family be damned. Immediately there was an undeserved bitterness projected on me from her. No reasons were given. No apologies. Definitely no second thoughts. She was engaged within a couple months and was married before the ink dried on the divorce papers.

Before you think that this man is some dashing white knight, he isn’t. He was 20 years older than her. The kind of guy who has longer hair on the sides and bald on the top, but assumes he still has hair. A man who walked from his first family. A man who 2 years prior was arrested for some drug and weapon stuff. Oh, he was “born again” or whatever phrase those Christians that do that call it. I guess I was sold out for money. He came with money. I have saw the new furniture, vehicle, outside garden stuff. I have heard about the night trips, the camping, the bingo and the new friends. All things I tried to do, asked to do and encouraged her to do, but has been told to everyone that I kept her from.

I invested everything into her and my family. Three years and I can’t accept this life. I can not enjoy the free time and “freedom” I guess unlike her, I take my obligations seriously.