Not suicide, but suicidal

I have really been thinking of ending it all.  My relationship with my kids is just a one way thing. I send gifts, make calls, and send messages. They don’t reciprocate. The ex is now remarried, having waited a total 2 weeks after the divorce was finalized.

I have never been told why? I am confused how a 20 year relationship ends in a day for someone and there is no regrets or second thoughts. She starts every day in my childhood home, surrounded by our 4 boys, pictures of my parents, and possessions that have been in the family longer than our time, yet acts as though we never were.

The silence of life long friends and family has been constant salt on my wounds. I have cried daily for 22 months straight because of the unfairness of all of this, while it seems everyone else accepted it from day one.  I wonder, if I was drowning and calling for help, would all these people stand on the shore just watching, and like now, yelling at me to stop screaming, because they don’t want to hear it? Never once did they help or give support, but now I am suppose to deal.

I have questioned every day I can remember over the past 44 years of my life. What I did or said wrong to everyone to get this reaction at the lowest point of my life. Even the pastor who sat with me, arm around my 48yr old shoulders as I sobbed about my loss, has turned from me. He married her, knowing full well how this came about. I’m sitting here learning that God’s love and plan is good, but other’s sins are don’t matter. I feel constantly punished for good or bad, yet…

So, why the title? I’m to weak willed to do it.   I don’t own a gun, nor can I get one. There is nothing sturdy enough around me to hold my weight to hang myself and honestly the pills I take would leave me with a headache. I don’t think I could drink myself to death and sticking my head into an electric oven also won’t cut it. So, I am metaphorically doing it. Killing me to everyone else. No more answering calls, messages, or knocks on the doors. No more sending out messages apologizing for being wronged and hurt. Like a ghost I will go to work and come home, wrap up in my blanket and sleep. Maybe sometimes to be treated to happy dreams, but more than likely the punishing ones to I have had day in and day out since.