Not really needed

I’m really trying to see some positives. My kids, they’re happy and healthy, even with me not being there or still with their Mom. They’ve liked the step-dad since the first day, it really stings. Maybe I seriously sucked as a husband and a Father. Maybe I sucked as a friend and brother too. I don’t feel like I am, but maybe I am a narcissistic asshole. I just don’t realize it. I guess I made everyone’s life hell and I am now paying for it.

Although I sat in the hospital alone and scared, I choose not to call anyone and choose to say I had no one to contact in an emergency. I’ve chosen to stop being the apparent burden to people. My life insurance goes to the boys and in retrospect, I feel I’m worth more to them dead than alive. It’s a horrible thought, but it just feels that way. ” Ethan, you want to learn to ride a bike?” “No Dad, Ed taught me.” ” Jonathan, when you come this weekend we’ll go out and practice driving.” ” That’s ok but, Ed has taken me out already and I’m used to his car. I think Mom and him are going to give me his car when I get my license.” I have essentially been replaced since day one.

So I live with that pain along with the covid crap and now the effects of the war and the government’s incompetence.  My paycheck is spent days before I get it. I can’t afford gas for my truck and am in absolutely no position to buy a “more efficient” vehicle. So I miss meals, take cold showers, and practically live in the dark to have money for gas. I make too much for social service help, but not enough to survive. My boss allows me to humor him about asking for a raise and then tells me he’ll think about it but seems to forget when I ask again weeks later. I like my job even though it always seems as though I am just here to blame the mistakes on. Besides, I don’t have the energy or money to restart again at a new one. I’m starting to explore the idea of getting a cap for the back of my truck and living in it with the weather getting a bit warmer.  Honestly, that’s where God, fate, and karma seem to be leading me no matter what good I put out into the world.

I’m starting to be embarrassed posting the same ” Woe is me ” “Pity me ” stuff every day and anyone who reads them should also be embarrassed too. At 51 I am just a child trapped in an adult’s body, unloved and unwanted by everyone around me.