Not happy

I found myself starting to hate me last night. Not a I wish I was dead kind of hate, but a I hate what I have become hate.

Let’s get something, I never really knew what it was I wanted to be. I was just a carefree kid until I wasn’t.

As most are aware here, I just wanted a family. Wanted to raise my kids traditionally. I spent years building that dream for my ex, them, and myself. Then I was pushed away from all of it.

I guess instead of stepping aside for the benefits of my children and my unfortunate love of me ex, I should have got fight into the mud and fought for what I wanted no matter who got hurt.

I did what I thought a loving person should and I have been reminded daily that I fucked up. I already know I couldn’t win either way.

So what happened last night? It finally hit me I am no longer my kid’s father. I mean I am biologically their father, but I’m a really good friend. Not quite a best friend, but the friend you know you can totally count on.

On its surface that sounds like a great relationship, but there’s a huge difference to feeling your dad is your father then just dad.

I guess in the end it’s all my fault. Not being able to co-parent with Patty. Not standing up for myself.