No one left

It’s after 11 and I’ve worked my list of go to people to talk to and quiet the everyday voices that pester the fuck out of me.

My kids to hear about their day in short 1 to 2 word sentences and some of the most dismissive conversations to get me off the phone and back to the games.

Then usually my oldest who’s fully aware how “messed up” his Dad truly is because of it all. He usually dissfuses by going off on a tangent about whatever rambles in his head until he knows I have lost all train of thought.

Finally when she answers, an old friend who has a very “new agy”. Probably more depressed than I am. She has pretty much what I want too. Family, marriage, people there. She loves me as a friend and more and says it constantly, uncomfortably all the time. At first I thought it helped, but what little bit of sanity I had left just didn’t feel right having someone be all flowery and lovey. I guess it’s just in friendship and I should be happy I have it. Have something.. Any way she does this depression thing better than most and can usually talk me down unless hers is worse, then, well I usually shit out of luck waiting to see if she will even contact me another day.

That’s the extent of it. 4 sometimes 2 people support.

Not sure if I mentioned the high price group I was paying for meds and therapy dropped me. So here I am cold turkey off meds that I won’t be able to get refilled in a week or two. No real professional to talk to.

Once again deciding it was all crap. Therapy.. Tell me your problem, why do you think, what are you going to do. Here’s a bill you can’t afford. Of course the psychiatrist wants you on these fuck your head pills that if you stop can make you suicidal, but well just drop your case out of the blue..

It’s almost 12 now..I’m wide awake and have made myself a bit pissed . There is no one I can talk to except a crisis line which will ask why I’m anxious, ask what I can do for it, like I don’t already know, maybe send a email of actions or a text. The one thing they in my experience do? Just talk. Give me an opinion why a marriage dies in a day after 20years. What women who never once said anything that bothered her won’t even talk to a man she has 4 children with. Just talk to diffuse. What do they do for the really suicidal ones? I always wondered. Do they keep them on the line until they can get a policeman there or EMT. Then what another councilor to ask why, what and how come.

I guess I do it wrong. Living that is