New low

Maybe you’re trying too hard.  You need find some happiness within, then it will radiate out and other’s will find that more attractive.

Building on what Strawberry Jelly said:

Do you have any hobbies,  interests,  passions?  If not,  maybe getting one would be a good distraction while you work on yourself.  Finding something you love is a great way to distract,  build self esteem and keep your mind busy/ healthy.  It’s the only way I survived my marriage ending- was to work on things I was passionate about and to volunteer my time with at-risk youth.

I know you keep mentioning your frustration with dating sites,  but you have so many unresolved emotional issues  with your ex, you really are not in a position to be in a healthy relationship at this point.  Till you heal that, you’re most likely going to poison the next relationship you’re in with all the baggage from this previous one or,  at best,  engage in further unhealthy patterns of codependency/attachment, as is typically the thing that happens with people who have BPD.  A new partner is not the answer to cure what is making you sad.

I had a boyfriend with BPD. He benefited greatly from CBT/DBT. He also had some success with EMDR. Regular talk therapy didn’t work for him with that disorder, as is the case with most people who have it.  You haven’t mentored specifically what therapy you tried,  so if you already tried it,  ignore me.  I just thought I would offer that advice in case no one has mentioned it before.

It seems to me that you are putting your self worth on your ex-wife’s validation and approval. It’s unfair that she is ignoring you and mistreated you, like really! – you are the father to both of your children she can at least be civil and acknowedge you.  But she has moved on it seems.

In my personal experience and what I’ve learned is that chasing someones’s validation and approval is a dangerous game. What I learned is that I am inherently worthy. And you are too. I’m not just bull sh*tting and trying to flatter you.  I don’t feel sorry for people  or pity as I know how hard it is to get out of a mentally dark place and turn one’s life around. I was in a dark place too a few years back. It took me years to take a hard look at my flaws, my weaknesses, my situation, my anger and my self responsibilty  in the given situation. I was suicidal too. It was scary.

You have a lot of natural gifts and personality traits like being empathetic and giving to others. Those are beautiful qualities.

You tell yourself you are unworthy and you believe it. But we are are ALWAYS our own worst enemies. I still unintentionally have thoughts that sabatoge me all the time. If you read my entry where I almost  on my way to get a few weeks back married, I chased someone who doesn’t care about me or my well being.  But I was operating on old patterns of feeling unworthy.

But to others we still see some light in you, otherwise why would be take the time to leave you these kind words and notes.

Its a difficult situaton you are in. I know. It’s hard and scary, you are survival mode, and hurt and angry  and  it’s not fair. She did an injustice to you. But it is still your responsibility. Your life is your respnsibility. Its hard to begin to accept and aknowledge the sh*itty situation you are in. It’s easier to blame others.

You are alone out there in New York.  But you are not alone. I care about you. Your regular noters here care about you. We want you to succeed in life. That’s we keep coming back to leave you notes.

At some point you will have to make a choice to try to find a way to incrementally find ways to improve your life or life will get worse. It all starts with you and be willing to make that change. You are more powerful than you realize.