Need

Well, the evil little man that lives in my brain started to do his damage again last night. He waited until I lay in bed and tried to sleep. Maybe he’s right. I feel like no one needs me anymore. In all this time after the break-up, my sons haven’t come to me with questions or problems. I was always there to fix things and to show them stuff young men should know. They now have him to do that. The utter contempt their Mom shows me keeps her from discouraging him not to, instead as if I was never there, she’s giving him carte blanch to be the “Dad” to all 4 of them. It feels as though they also like it that way.

I struggle every day, trying to understand what it was that I did to all of them, that they just see me as a novelty and a deadbeat. Yes, I said that. I get the ” Love you” from them after I say it. That sounds petty, but is it? I’ve been made to feel like their Father, just not their Dad. I cannot remember when the last time was that any of them called me out of the blue. I used to feel important to people, but like everything else, that all changed in a day.

It’s hard living with depression and BPD, especially when you know what you need to do, but just can’t bring yourself to do it. Several times now I have put the effort into climbing out of it, only to look around and see nothing and nobody waiting on the top of the hole to greet me or cheer me on. I understand myself better than anyone and I know I don’t function well on my own. I never have, even as a teenager I needed my friends and family to fall back on. I wish I could be at the point where my bills were current and I had some savings, but it’s looking more and more like that’s just never going to happen for me. The thing is if I could only get $2000, I could have been so close, but fate or karma said no. Both tax refunds were kept from me for reasons that have yet been explained to me. I allowed myself at the end of January to breathe easy knowing that by this time I would be well on my way to financial comfort, but just as most things have been, here I sit on cracking thin ice.

Thinking about all this has literally has made me physically sick. A painful ache all over my body, crippling headache, and nauseous stomach. I no longer sleep right even with meds. Just everything has gone to shit with my body because of the worry and stress.