Message I won’t send

I have been debating all night about sending this to both my ex and sister, but it will only fall on deaf ears. That said I need to get it out of my brain.

I’m tired of trying. It has made me sick how you both have left me to suffer as I have. I can’t believe the woman I loved more than life itself has sold me and our family out for money, which because you have repeatedly refused to even talk to me since the separation, I have to assume is the only reason. I also can’t believe the only woman left in my life since day one has made my trauma about herself and her needs. When I needed a shoulder and reassurance you left in a ditch and reprimanded me about some totally made up advice about how I should have done things in my life up to now.

You both say it’s about the boys now. You’re right, but my wellbeing is tied to how I am to and for the boys. You have changed in the matter of hours and that left confused, alone, and broken. You both guilted me for feeling and hurting, neither of you were feeling that way so how dare I feel like that. You took my normal, my dreams, and essentially my past by acting and talking like it never happened. You both tell and guilt me about being a father when neither of you are one and you both contributed to my overall breakdown.

Now, because it’s been a couple of years and one of you are remarried and the other has “washed their hands of me”, treat me like I should be over something that has never made sense to me. It’s like you both watched me drown and when I have finally washed up on shore, you stand over me yelling at me for faking my death. You both play on my Borderline Personality Disorder with the guilt and the blame knowing that it’s a very hard thing to keep myself level about the realization that none of this is my fault. I wasn’t the lying, cheating, money whore nor was I the selfish, self-centered, know it all, but somehow you both have turned all of this on to me so you can move forward as if I was just a sleight annoyance to both of your lives.