ME?? Too old???

So, as I languish in dating app Hell, I “liked” a rather cute 39yr old lady. She was, according to her profile, rather short, had strikingly dark eyes(my weakness) and dark hair(yet another weakness). Reading through what she wrote, she was widowed and had a couple children. No issues what so ever for me. I crafted, what I thought was, a beautiful introduction message. I complimented her looks, without being weird or creepy. I acknowledged how it must have been hard being widowed and how strong she is getting through it. I told her I had no issues with her having children. I closed it with, “I would like to get to know more about you, if you would like to, over coffee, dinner, or even chatting on the app.” 

Well, I got an answer: “That was very sweet, thank you, but I am not interested.” 

I have to say that after close to a year that I have bumbled around on these sites and apps, I never got a reply from someone I wanted to meet, until now. Yet here it sat, “not interested”

First thought, I’m ugly, no one will ever want me and that’s why my ex left me. I’m an ugly person inside and out. Second thought, I poured over my profile, the best pics, my intro wasn’t desperate or creepy. I don’t smoke, anymore, and have lost enough weight to fit into the “average” column. Why? So, I asked…

“You’re too old and have kids. I don’t want kids and I have some.”

Is 10 years older, old? Are kids, that already have a Mother and are essentially aged out of the needy point, a problem? HUH?

That was all I got from her. Immediately, my bruised and piecemeal ego went to the stupid logistical part of my brain and heart combination. My 37yr old ex-wife left me for a 58yr old schulb, who also had older children, an ex, and was just, ugh… I mean left “head over heals” for gramps. Maybe it’s the typical male thing to think one’s self looks better than another guy or think of themselves as better, IDK.

All, I know is, it is just one more nail in the coffin for my self confidence. It doesn’t matter how I know I can treat someone or how I would care enough to jump in front of a truck for someone I care about. Like most ugly, old, and bald men, I find myself “fantasizing” about a certain person being with me and you see it in real life. The “hit with the ugly stick” guy with a really beautiful girl. I am not a firm believer in the “confidence” thing. There’s no way Chunk from the Goonies is going to be with Cindy Crawford because he’s funny and has tons of confidence. Really?

There is someone I met through Open Diary. Now, I admit that we have only occasionally commented on each’s entries, but we are essentially both single. I would move Heaven and Earth if she would just notice me and take an interest, but I’m realistic. I’m old and ugly and she is truly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. There would be nothing stopping me from moving to where she lives to get to know her, but I am sure she hears hundreds of “me” types saying the same thing to her, some even very creepy and weird. Unfortunately, because of the creepy weird one’s, guys like me will unwillingly be put in to same group as them.

Things like that just happen to people like me now. I’m too old.