Maybe I can’t be loved

I laid down to nap about 4pm yesterday and just woke up about an hour and half ago. There’s a thunderstorm so once again the internet is out. 3rd time this weekend so watching TV is out of the question, so now I’m lost in thought.

This has lead me to be retrospective on my failed romances. 2 marriages and at least 4 other relationships that have pretty much ended the same way. Me being left for another. No one stays with me. Can a person be too good for another?

I don’t want to come off like a narcissistic asshole, but I honestly can’t think of me causing the trouble. I never cheated or outright lied in any of my relationships. Well not the ones I was serious about that is. The only two people who truly loved me are gone. My mother and daughter. Don’t get me wrong,  my boys care, but have never really called to check on me. My sister calls when she needs something. ” Hi Colby, how are you? I was wondering…….”

I’m thinking of the life I lived up to 4 years ago and how it’s continuing without me. Having to be stuck on the outside looking in. It especially sucks when you know the man who she left me for and who she gave it all to, doesn’t deserve it. Maybe it’s me, but in the past when I got involved with a divorced woman I was never comfortable with her life before, not enough so that I just took over their exs role like he has done to me.

IDK. Maybe I am that asshole? That unlovable individual who is meant to just exist to better others and never have anything of my own. Not my family, friends, or children. Not my possessions or hard working efforts. I’m not a selfish person. I can’t live for just myself, but I can’t keep living when all I have or earn goes to others.