March has come in like a hairless and toothless lion

So after long last, my sister finally sent a text to me. Essentially it was all I expected it to be. This has been all my fault, although, as she says, my ex is a lying cheating bitch. Somehow all the years she was supposedly depressed and had issues, mine are just imaginary figments of my imagination. As she also put it, she did not have Mom and Dad bailing her out like I did and it was Mom’s fault that I am the way I am. Ah, the mom/daughter relationship. Forgotten are the memories of how my parents paid for a college that she never completed or paid for her first marriage. Forgotten are the times my Dad found and paid for her first few cars and their repairs. Yet, I am the total user that has never learned to be self-sufficient.

I was told once again how she and my kids are devastated by my divorce and my hurt is nothing more than being a child about it. How I lost the home that my parents slaved to get and maintain, even though her direct actions when my Mother signed it over to me gave Patty an equal share against my Mother’s and my opposition to it. This was thrown in my face as if I wanted it. Everything she does that doesn’t work out is due to the other’s incompetence and never hers.

I was reminded if I only would have listened to her 3 years ago I wouldn’t be in this position. For the life of me, all I can remember is how at my most hurt and vulnerable point she yelled at me and made it totally about herself. “You better not keep the boys from me.” How the next day when I reached out for the only person I thought I had, my brother-in-law threatened to beat the shit out of me if I don’t stop bothering her. At no point have I asked her for any money or help, but as I continued to read what she wrote, I was chided for asking for these things. How somehow with nothing to my name, I was supposed to get a lawyer and fight tooth and nail for everything. Every bad thing that has ever befallen me my entire life was all my fault.

She guilted me about the boys and how she and her husband are the only parents the boys know. How I and my ex never were proper parents to our kids. This comes from a woman who has never had children of her own and when she had stepkids in her first marriage essentially pushed them out as soon as they were old enough. A woman who took my niece from my brother because as she saw it he and his wife were failing as parents only to hand her right back when it became difficult to parent her.

I guess it is all my fault, she’s right. For some reason, I can’t live my life without family and I forgive and accept everyone’s criticism and blame because I need acceptance and validation. Because I can’t handle being alone. Maybe everyone is right. I have to man up, grow some hair on my nuts, choke it down, and get the fuck over it. No one is going to like that person, so I lose either way.