Making the turn?

I am at a point where something inside me wants to move forward.  I have the “Jacob Marley” of a past with all the heavy chains dragging on me though.

Along with my boys, I sent the ex a gift for Easter. Never got a thank you. Woke up from a nap to have a text about cashing a check I sent her before the whole shut down.

Where is the person I gave 20 years to? Ok, in the moment she got lost. A new person, nice comments, life’s trials that marriages have. It’s all understandable why she cheated. What isn’t is the person she became. There’s a hate there that I could understand if I was an abusive, meth addicted, alcoholic gambler, but as I have learned i am a Borderline Personality suffer who had some issues that maybe caused some impulsive spending or some unexpected sadness. She hates me and that bothers me. Even my 1st ex never hated me. I mean, I walked. I gave her the house, my childhood house that was left to me by my dying Mother. All my possessions left. Her new man walked into the perfect guy’s life. Tools, grills, computers,  big screen TV and the list goes on.. and I am hated.

Do I want her back? No I want the life I had back. My kids there in a comfortable life, not a 2 room appartment with nothing. Memories i could share about the old pear tree or the painted pictures on the basement walls.

I never had any personal dreams and the only things I ever wanted to do are for a younger man. I have lost my looks, health, and time. I am now alone in a world where people won’t approach you and staying away is now the thing to do. I only talk to people who have someone about loneliness and they can’t begin to understand and conversations never resolve the pain. I am on dating sites where no one replies, even just to say “eww no” or some idiot is cat fishing you into a porn site or to hack your bank account.

I have so much to offer and it’s all just fading away.