Loyalty

Can someone explain to me what it means to be loyal? I thought I knew what it was, I mean over the years I was loyal to 2 wives who both lied, cheated, and left me for another. I was loyal to my siblings, who have chosen to just push me away from them. I was loyal to friends, who now mock and avoid me. I was loyal to my children who now never call or want to come over unless they don’t have a choice.

I think maybe my parents were the only loyal people in my life. My father until the day he died and my mom right up until she lost her mind with dementia. That was a hard 3 years caring for her as she hit, spit, yelled, and told me I was a mistake. Then she was gone and less than a year later so was everyone else.

I know my silly whines and cries are miniscule compared to others. Boo Hoo, Colby has no friends and no one wants him. I just can’t describe what the last several years has done to an already broken person. I know there’s a problem,  I feel it mentally and physically,  but I just don’t know how to describe it and when I try to it comes off like I am making shit up for attention.

I went to Walmart this morning and like always, as nice as I try to be, no one cared. No return greetings, no eye contact, no “excuse or pardon me”. Just rude people who seem to be sickened by my presence. I’m saw my reflection in the freezer door, I guess they and everyone else are right.