Love and the wasted life

I look at how Patty lives the life we built and it just reminds me how I fucked up my life.

I see the people who put their heads down and saved and built credit and strong lives and all I did was love.

I loved Vikki and I fucked up the most important stage of my life after graduation. I loved my friends and they used and walked all over me. I loved and worshipped Patty and she removed me so far from her life it’s like 20 years never happened.

20 years I fucked around and did for her thinking it was for us. Giving everything,  emotions, money, effort to her and now I am virtually homeless, poor, and I can’t even ask her how she’s doing.

I always thought my back up plan was family and friends, nope… As soon as they sensed I need their help, their shoulder, their acknowledgement,  they were gone like they never existed.

Across the street I watch a couple as they have landscaped their yard. It beautiful and possibly what looks like the most relaxing place. Friends come and go, little fires and garage bar. That should be me. I should be there in my life at 52, not a loser who has 2 weeks of unemployment and no job or prospects.

Patty has torn my parents house apart and except for a cabinet, it’s all gone. All the things I made for her, gone. The only thing I got from my parents, gone. My sister has the photos and their ashes. My brother’s have all my Father’s cool army collectable and hand me downs passed from his Father, I have nothing. I don’t even have the sister or brothers..

I’m think the worst right now. That’s why I am Journaling, but I may have to call the crisis line later.