Just have to say

I have a rant. I can not say this around my “friends” and “family” here, but I have to get it out..

I was a great husband and father. I have learned that I have been dealing with a mental condition for a number of years that affected a lot of judgements and decisions, but never my feelings. I spent every day wondering how I could make a person happy and lived in quiet guilt when I thought of myself. I built and improved a home for her (and them) and laid awake at night worried about the tomorrows of them all. Over the last year and months I have come to learn that they never cared. My marriage ended on a whim, in a day, and no one cared. The small village where everyone knows everyone sat back and watched in accepting silence as my wife immediately paraded her new “boyfriend” around even before I moved out. My family never said anything to her when she immediately moved him into our home, THE SAME DAY I LEFT, to give her the “space” and time she so desperately needed. My sister discussed lawyers with her. I have no clue why.. 

There is a part of me that wishes I didn’t suppress the anger and temper I was so prone to in my earlier days. At least that would make it understandable. There is a part of me that wishes I would have cheated when the opportunities arouse. At least that would make it understandable. I wish I would have been fat, lazy, do-nothing alcoholic and drug user. Would have made sense. 

What EVIL intentions did she harbor for years that would make her play the loving game right up until that morning? What kind of person could look at their 4 boys and just stick a dagger in their Father’s soul? She knows in her heart I would fold because of my love for her and she walked me right into the oven. I sit here as the world falls apart, alone while someone else is there with my family. A man that by all accounts does not deserve what he has been given, which is everything. I spent 20+ years building a life, accumulating stuff for a man, who by all accounts, pissed all of his away to take all of mine in a day and not one person stood up for me.

More care and love is given to drug addicts and illegals then what was given to me. Me, who was raised in the church, who never went out of my way to hurt a fly, who lived with other’s actions as my own guilt. I am treated as some mutant, some troll who people now pull away from as if I was some sort of horrific thing and no one will tell me why. 

I had to get that out. I know who I am. I know I am a good person, who doesn’t deserve what I have been handed. I realize that somethings just don’t have answers. I know I have a sense of fairness in a world full of unfair people and things and that only the good die young.