I’ve reached the point…

I over share on Facebook. For some reason I think someone will finally understand. They don’t or won’t or couldn’t give 2 shits.

You see, I’ve “humpty dumptied” myself. Since I turned 18 in 1989, I have, I must have, secretly sabotaged everything in my life. My relationships, my jobs, my self worth, everything. I have fallen so much off that wall, that there are missing pieces, important pieces, lost for good. I don’t understand why when my relationships end with lovers, friends and family, that they burn the forest down and salt the Earth between us, but it has to be me.

Let’s face it, you people who read this and all the faceless FB friends don’t know me and have no reason to believe me when I say I really do not believe I did anything irredeemable in all the losses. I never cheated, I never raised a hand to anyone, I did my part in each of the relationships and I never asked or demanded anything from any of them. Maybe that’s it? Maybe being the person that everyone says they want or needs is what I did wrong. My 2 ex wives, I couldn’t have loved them more, but they still immediately left me for another and never showed remorse. My friends, both of whom I sat with when life crashed around them, built up when the weight of the world was too much, and laughed and cried with, have been nowhere to be seen these last 3 years when I needed them the most. My brothers never ever gave a shit which I can respect the fact they stuck to it, but my sister, who I sat holding when she wept for her 1st husband who died from cancer and who I threw my, at the time, 5′ 9″ 130lb body at the 6′ 4″ 225lb dumbass guy who hurt her to defend her honor and feelings, never once said a thing, offered a hug or shoulder to cry on, and then threw me under the bus with my ex to get unlimited access to her nephews.

Why?

I’ve paid approximately over $5000 to therapists and psychologists for them not to give me answers, but to challenge me to understand the questions. Oh, I was told I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which when I have tried to explain that to anyone comes off as the lamest excuse in the world, so I guess 5 grand well spent?

I truly believe the people I have made my circle for the 50 years of my life, besides my parents God rest their souls, wouldn’t piss on me if I were on fire. In the exact 2 years, 9 months, and 21 days that my marriage came to an abrupt ending, I have received zero, zip, nada calls about how I feel, how I’m doing, or even an invite. Two Thanksgivings, Christmases, New Years, Birthdays, all alone, no cards, calls, or visits. My children are young, I don’t expect them too remember or even think about Dad on these days, obviously they are not encouraged to anyway.

Make new friends and relations you say? Well I have tried. I say hello to people who reply with a sour looks and silence. I tried to make friends with a neighbor, who became obsessed with my dog only to call me and tell anyone who will listen how I killed the dog when I rehomed her. I met a nice girl on a dating site, who has a terminal illness and could possibly die in her sleep at any time and she wants to take “time” to get to know me, so we haven’t met yet after 3 weeks of talking, texting, and video chatting.

I’ve spent a long time thinking of suicide. The how’s and why’s of just ending it, knowing that when I am eventually found it will be one of those news stories,

” Well, he was always quiet, but then I noticed a smell”.

 The ultimate reason I haven’t, I would screw it up. I would literally be dead from the neck down, with full brain activity, but not being able to talk. I would go on to live to well over 100 yrs old, just stuck in my head.

I’ve almost reached the point that it doesn’t sound half bad…