It’s back

So I’ve done all that I can to move on, forget, and live, but my circumstances keep coming back to the same old sad lonely not good enough to be a family man loser.

I’ve become vindictive and mean in my thoughts on strangers. I see an old woman and all I can think is how at one point in her life she selfishly broke a man and never thought twice about it.

The situation at work makes me miss being unemployed. Never have I worked with more people who don’t give a shit as I have with my cashiers. Not one among them has any sort of honor, discipline, or empathy. I’ve gone to bat for them, worked over 20 hours because of them. I hate this job now, I hate the fact that I may have to once again job search for my sanity and health. I remember this last “search” where I apparently was no good for anyone until this job came around and seeing the dumpster fire I’m in, now I know why.

At least when I was with Patty and my boys I had something to keep me going, now I don’t have a cheering section I have guilt. Guilt to pay child support, guilt that I hate my job, guilt about doing things with the boys eventhough the job has taken all my free time.

All I wanted was to raise my kids and grow old with my love and now I’m withering away, hoping to not wake up, feeling like a burden to people who have long given up on me.

I get reassured by a person I pay who if I didn’t pay wouldn’t talk to me.

Maybe I deserve this. I must have done something wrong and now I pay.