I’m my own worst enemy

“Hello, my name is Colby, and I am an overdramatic idiot”

For three years I have looked, asked, and waited for answers to a question that really doesn’t have one. A question that is wrapped up in fate, karma, and the whims of God. I’m sure I am not the first person to have the question, nor will I be the last, but it has winded it’s way into almost every facet of my life.

It sabotages every happiness I managed to find and stops me looking for more.

It has made me hate myself and assume others do too.

It has caused me to hold grudges harder and deeper than ever before.

It makes me blind to what love is left in my life.

It exacerbates my depression and anxiety, when it was all but gone with therapy and medication.

It keeps me from sleeping and waking.

The question has made me alone, bitter, lost, and hopeless.  I am scared of the the answer, because it may be one of the ones I have made up in my mind and it will justify all the hate I have put on myself for years. I honestly cannot forgive myself for the things that I never did.