I wish they cared

Boy I certainly hitched my wagon to the wrong horses when it comes to friends all these years. I appreciate the out pouring of friends I have found on this site and I wish I could come and meet each and every one of you, maybe move there also… The people I have known for years and have always believed would be there for me as I would them have totally sucked at it.

Now I can’t tell you what a mental breakdown is, but I can definitely say I have had one. I have been to the edge and looked in the dark and had “the thoughts”. Suicide to me though is just one more way that God could mess with me. I know that if I attempted it I would come out of it dead from the neck down and spend the next 30 years in a state of clear mentality so I could be constantly reminded. That thought keeps me from doing it. Except for my kids and now a few of you, I don’t think anyone would care. It would be one those slow builds where several years from now someone would be saying, “He’s dead? Oh”

So, whats been happening in my life that has me once again cursing life? Well, somehow I have been branded a creepy old man. My “best friend” has a sister in law who is younger, but like 30’s younger than my 49yr old self and not like i’m cruising the high school young. Any hoo, she has moved back this way and I had always liked her and well I seem to find myself single.. So a conversation started over FaceBook ( told you I should have stayed off) that by all accounts made it seem perfectly ok to ask if she would like to meet for coffee. She agreed, so i assumed that we would. Being an old school guy and the fact she had moved back probably with all the shut down job loss crap, I ordered her a bouquet of flowers. Not a dozen roses, a nice spring assortment, with a note saying, “it’s nice you’re back”.

I have learn a couple things that I should have already learned at my age, but apparently if  you look like Brad Pitt at my age flowers are a sweet gesture, but if you look like Uncle Fester with glasses then they are akin to a rape van and lost puppies. Also, I learned the man who I had no problem with dating my ex girlfriend the same day I broke up with her when we were kids, the guy who i sat with and held a cold wet wash cloth on his head as he heaved his guts out from drinking to much, the “best friend” who I made a god parent, just sat there and let her go off without saying a word in my defense. Shouldn’t have expected more based on the fact that he hasn’t cared to see how I’ve been since all this divorce/ quarantine shit has gone on and has more or less given me the most helpful pep talks one in the middle of a break down needs like “be a man” “grow some hair on your nuts”

I have said this before and it almost sounds appropriate again, but I literally think my friends and family around here would see me drowning in a pool and would standing there yelling at me and calling me stupid for falling in.