I don’t know what to say

I’m in a weird place right now. Around this time 4 years ago my life ended, well the only life I wanted ended.

I don’t understand relationships or people for all that matters.  I failed as a father to all my children. I selfishly took the “good guy” path and it’s cost me so much. Maybe if I was more present in Kayla’s life she would still be here, never had the accident that made her last 10years difficult.

My boys don’t call me with problems or concerns. I’m the last person on the list to hear about rewards or events.

I sit alone too afraid and guilty to live life any different then how I lived as a married man. I’ve been stuck this way 4 years, no matter what I’ve tried. I had a speck of possibility with my job, but that was ripped from me too.

At this point I want someone to see I’m a mess and have me committed or take conservativeship over me for a while to help me get right or not. Things have all gone out of control and all that would have helped was just someone, someone to have taken my side, seen me descending into my madness that haunts me now.

I can’t see the good in things anymore. The warm breeze blows on me and I only can think of the bugs. My kid gets an award and I realize that several others knew before me. I go to therapy and get 45 minutes to talk and have to wait 2 weeks to do it again when I need someone every day to help me.

It’s the loneliness I know. There’s a big difference between loneliness and being alone.