Hurt

Some reason I’m stuck in a horrible rut today. I keep wanting something I just can’t have. Wishing to go back to a life that is no longer mine.

Every where look, every show I watch, I see a life I always wanted and probably won’t have again. Why is it some people have what they don’t want, while people like me can’t have what we want? I was raised in the church, Lutheran, what I like to call “Catholic light”. Almost interchangeable, but not the same. I have prayed and spoken to God over and over for years. I have faith, but I’ve never quite understood how the “plan” people speak of works. I’ve heard countless people say there’s a plan that God has for me. I’m starting to think it’s just what you say when you don’t want to have the conversation. Try as I may I just can’t seem to understand this plan. This plan has cost me two marriages, one child, losing everything, not being able to raise my children how I want them to be, rather having to make peace with the other man and hope he doesn’t fail. This plan has left me alone, hurt, worthless. It’s cost me friends and family.

I look for the good things, I do see them. My children are healthy, the woman I live more than life is happy. Yet, for me personally, I don’t see any good or happy and it’s not like I’m not trying. I put in work. I’m kind to strangers. I’m helpful to anyone who needs help. I meditate, I breathe, I been trying to get healthy. Why was I left by everyone? Why won’t some one help me? Why am I not allowed to have answers?