Hard Truths…or at least how I see them

Yes, this is an “I give up” entry.

I’ve recently gone back to the old habits, smoking and eating like shit. Comforts that will likely send me to an early grave, but when I think on what life has been like for the last few years, would that be so bad? Oh I’ve made the efforts, instead of being a sick smoking glutton that’s unhappy, all I became was a bored alone healthy outcast that’s unhappy. I like to smoke. Marlboros are my choice of lung cancer. They do not put off a unpleasant stink like the Rez cigs like Senecas or Blacks(names of the cigarettes made on the reservations, not racist names) and what “stink” they do is gone from notice in a manner of minutes. Top’s markets make a frosted cream cheese cinnamon rolls that is like a religious experience and the Christmas season’s peppermint bark and cut out frosted cookies are like heroin. The fleeting small happiness is so much better than nothing.

I’ve accepted my role in the world. I fully believe in the Gods and Clods theory.  Have and have nots. Winners and losers. Good guys finish last. There honestly isn’t one rich person who hasn’t fucked someone over on their way there. I don’t care how generous they are now or what philanthropy they do, at some time they lied, cheated, or used another. The one’s born into it, they’re more likely to be worse never understanding what the “norms” live through and yet lecturing that everyone can be successful, especially if they have a rich parent to back them. Even at the level most live at people screw each other to get ahead and the empathetic caring ones, like I am, are used and discarded. To beat a dead horse, my ex. Not one consideration of the children or me, sold out to another who has bought her what she considers a better life. The trips, the big engagement and wedding ring, the wedding, the new furniture and appliances, and vehicle. Literally destroying a man who would walk through fire for her and busted his ass to get her a home, food, warmth in the cold and cool in the heat.

The Gods and Clods theory. People that have the “life” do it on the backs of others. There are Gods among us and Clods that take the shit for them. Yes, I believe there is a balance, but not like a scale, more like dimes in a dollar. If one has 1 dime and the other has 9 it’s still a dollar. I sit here alone and broke, giving someone 25% of my earnings and half of what retirement I may get, the home that was left to me by my mother, and all the debt, so she can have a new life, two incomes, and a fresh start. I honestly would accept this if I was or had been an abusive, drug or drink addict that never did anything but ate, shit, and lounged around expecting her to do everything, but I far from that guy. I was the clod who built a life for almost 20 years to just have to give it away to another.

At the risk of turning this into yet another “whiny, poor me” about her, I’ll move on to the other hard truths I have had shoved down my throat and up my a$$.

No one cares, at least about me. From the day it “happened” to this day, the only person who has even attempted to console me or even talk to me, I pay $70 a visit to. The reaching out, asking, begging and pleading to friends and family, who you thought would be there, has gone unheard and unacknowledged. That’s not to say I haven’t received a kind word or advice from nobody. The people here and some on other sites, have offered some great advice, thoughts, and well wishes. But as nice as that is, it’s like the crowd at the bottom of the building telling me not to fall as I stand on the ledge, where a life long friend or sibling could grab me and help me off it.

I’ve lost faith in religion. Not belief, just the supposed leaders in faith. Why? About a month after the separation and her immediately moving him in in days after I left to give her space, I went to talk to Pastor Mike. He was a different denomination then me, but a man of God just the same. He said all the things you would expect him to and by chance, the “new man” was part of his congregation. Oh, I heard how the Bible views this and frankly I grew up knowing it. Pastor Mike told me that he wasn’t going to shun the man, but his days of being a leader in his church would come to an end. I actually felt bad for him. Yes, I had empathy for a man who my wife left me for, who was a regular to Bible study and knew better, yet chose to sin and break God’s commandments and give exactly no “fucks” about it. I took Pastor Mike at his word about the two of them and their great sin in the eyes of God and felt some comfort that it seemed I had someone on my side of this. He married them a year and a half ago, in his church. Can sin be forgiven? Well I would be lying if I said no having been brought up Lutheran, but the total hypocrisy of this man of God. this leader in faith. A building is a building, I have no ill feelings for a church, but him, knowing how this sinful relationship began and knowing the “players” and the absolute soul crushing it did to me, married them. He could of excused himself for it and find another to do the ceremony, just for good measure and the promise made to me, that he was there if I needed. The one and only person, I wasn’t paying, to make that promise…

I have survived 3 years of utter depression and grief, that just won’t heal. Suicidal thoughts, wishing to not wake up and having to deal with life. Begging and pleading to those I believed would always be there for me, only to be left alone in the dark. Old friends who would listen and promise that if they ever came around “home” the first thing they would do it be there for me, only to totally ignore me when they did and showing their actual feelings when I asked why. Neighbors and strangers who avoid me or look at me in disgust as I try to greet them or attempt to make friends.

So, I quit. I’m done. I made the effort, put in the work. Made peace with me and me just agrees that we are just going to exist. No more friends. My siblings and relations are dead to me. My children will have my only “shits” I give, when I can give them. From now on I hold my place in line no matter what, no matter where. I’m in the ER with a tummy ache and you cut your wrist and blood’s everywhere, sorry I was here first. Oh, you’re seizing in the middle of the side walk, I guess this is where I cross the street. Car broken down on Murder Road, sucks to be you.  I mean it, this world and those people have beaten the care out of me. From now on my organs are mine, don’t care who it may save if I die. If anyone else but my children passes, don’t look for me signing the sympathy book or at the funeral. Harsh, yeah, but it was also harsh to be totally aware of a broken, suffering, suicidal, depressed, lonely and begging for company friend and brother and never once, ever just ask me how I am or if they could help.

You all have been great here, but this it for me here too. I’m just going to turn inward and live in my shell from now on. Thank you all for putting up with me….