Going forward

It seems that 4 years was a waste for me. I am no better off than I was then. I still obsess about my ex for some stupid unknown reason after she betrayed me, ruined me, and left me.

All the efforts to “move on” have all came to the same sorry conclusion as if they never happened. I don’t have much and if I lose it I won’t have anything left.

I have to force myself to do anything everyday now. I just don’t care anymore. I know the solutions and I know what I need to do to “turn me around” and I have tried so hard to, but something doesn’t want me to succeed no matter how hard I’ve tried over the last 3 years.

I guess you can say it’s me. Go ahead, everyone else does. All the ones who from day one walked away and turned their backs only to come around and blame me for not fixing myself to their standards.

I don’t know what to do anymore, even with the “wins” the loneliness makes them all hallow.

I have 3 weeks to find a job, not just a job, but a job that makes enough were I can barely make it week to week. Something I won’t hear praise or appreciation about. I’ll just be told to pay child support and have to sit by and watch another man enjoy my kids and the woman that I made them with.

Sometimes I wish I was just a support Dad and just left it all behind, that way when I finally crash I don’t let my kids see me as the bum I am.