Fatherhood

Most people will not agree with my views on being a father. My own sister will fight tooth and nail about her idea of how my own father was. She’s right, as far as how he treated her. Oh, she uses a heavy amount of “sugar coating” to her memories and comparisons. I to had a daughter once and I am sure she would be the same towards me. I could really use the kind of unconditional love a father gets from a daughter right now. 

Sorry, I went off track somewhat. What I was saying is my father loved me and my brothers but, he was tough on us. He had little patience with us. He did when it was needed though. He wasn’t a homework helping Dad, although the man was smart. He wasn’t a sporty coach Dad, but he played the big 2 (football, baseball) when he was younger. He didn’t sit in the stands, but his presence was felt. My father lived a pretty full life before having kids and never shared all of it with us. 

I have “fun” memories as a kid, but I didn’t really feel close to him until I was older and out of my teen years and I will say that my brothers felt the same. When my father could finally let lose and be a man with his men. I think a lot of it was because my Dad was raised with 3 much older sisters and took the brunt of the boy vs girl upbringing. OH STOP WITH YOUR PC TRANSGENDER MILLENNIAL STUFF. There is a difference.

This brings me to now. A wife who left me for another unimpressive older man, who lost her father at 10yrs old and never had a male in her life and a sister who only view’s hers with rainbow colored glasses, both telling me how to be a father. Never happy with what I do or don’t do. Constantly guilting me for failing the boys, even though I literally watched as my world crumbled in for no other reasons then my wife’s selfish unknown needs..

Here is the way I see it and going forward, the only way…. I was present at all my children’s births. I was the first to hold each one. I cut their cords. They were and are my blood. I will die for them, defend them, and always come running if needed.  That said, they are still young and need their mom and what a woman (for the most part) does for her children… My distance (physical) from them hurts, but like I was with my Dad, they don’t want to learn sports (I learned through my friends) they could careless about bikes (i self taught to be with friends in a time when there was no cell phones, computers, or weekday cartoons. Not even Atari)

We talk when we get together. I assure them that they did nothing wrong, which is more than the “guilters” do, they have never even mentioned what and why things happened. So I am the wrong one who was blindsided and heartbroken and left so my wife could “have time to think”. But she insists on telling me how to be a father, when she thrusted a new man into the boy’s lives hours after I left without so much as any explanations, yet my “breakdown” and absence is detrimental to my boys.

I have always wanted a family. When boys were spitting and throwing dirt at girls, I wanted to have a wife and play house. When I was a teen and guys were thinking of joining the service or going on adventures and partying, I wanted a wife and family. I have been given 2 chances at it and lost both without even understanding why. I know I did my fair share of coexisting.  I never ask for what I would not give. I know God and have lived a moral life, yet I am left, cheated on, and once again rebuilding me. And yes, everyone tells me how and they all critique and call out failings constantly, but no one helps.