Don’t want to do this
So another “Major” snow event is coming this way today . Possibly 3 foot of snow and I don’t want to do this. I have the next 2 days off, which most normal people would be thrilled to be able to wait it out, but not me.
I already dread being alone and alone I am. The silence is deafening. I went to breakfast today to be around people, but that just left me feeling more out of place. Now I’m back home and all I really want to do is cry.
I really don’t have any preparations to make other than occasionally making sure I can get the truck out for work on Friday. Ugh, work.
My boy wants to come home for the holiday and he finishes up college tomorrow, in the midst of this storm out in the area where it’s going to probably come down the worst. Unfortunately he has a test or something that can’t be missed or I would go now during the calm. Well I guess the ex and her new husband will have to figure it out somehow now.
I have to work another store farther away on Sunday and it’s already wearing on me. The longer drive and different store. I only agreed because I work for people who hold grudges.
I just want to be and feel normal again. Be able to face a day without three previous days of dreading it. I want to be able to work and come home and enjoy life, but instead it’s just a chore. A hard agonizing chore. I find no escape or fun in things anymore right now. I can’t just will a day away with old movies or tv. Or reading. Not even sleeping and napping help anymore. Maybe I should go get some night q or sleeping pills?
Snow here too. It makes the sky and the ground so so grey. Everything is like a quiet blanket of blindness weighing heavier and heavier slowing me down until I’ve frozen solid and can no longer move. As im writing this my fingers are beginning to freeze already.
Winter is definitely lonely but i also find it in some ways peaceful. Like im a lone icicle dangling and observing watching the snow fall so delicately. The funny thing about snow is its so perfect and white and weightless, but the more of it the heavier and more damage it can do. I find this to be somewhat like having lots of friends. Each one unique in their own way but when piled on top of each other can be a crushing weight.
During these times i try to occupy myself. I have found some joy in little things here and there, Ive been crocheting, painting, reading and just creating things in general. Try re-arranging your house, move your couch or bed. Give yourself a new perspective. Sounds like you aren’t happy or fulfilled at your job. I know its easier said then done, maybe look for new opportunities?
Good luck fellow icicle.
Warning Comment
You are being slammed with snow this year! I don’t like snow days either, I don’t like the feeling of being trapped inside and then after, the roads are shit and the drivers worse. Can you get to a thrift store now and buy a jigsaw puzzle? Or, would you dare go out during the storm and randomly shovel out other people’s vehicles to keep busy? Relief will come in January when you can see the doc and gets meds for depression and therapy but until then, I don’t think self-medicating is the answer.
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