Day off

After my little ” break down” over the summer have I ruined days off permanently?

I have today off and it feels ponderous and tortured. First part of the day was spent dwelling on bills. Bills I can’t pay quite yet. Is the money going to come in before the bills give out? Stress…

Not wanting to waste the day in bed, but battling every bone in my body to get up, I showered, washed and folded clothes. I noticed the effort I had to put forth to do that and I am ashamed to say it was a lot. Such basic things taking so much effort.

Not sure if this has anything to do with the cold turkey stopping of my meds, but it’s been over 3 weeks, so???

I am now stressed about including my kids in my life..when I was there, so were they. Easy..  Now it seems as if I don’t spend every waking moment thinking about them, I’m doing something wrong. I don’t love them enough.

Seriously how do the dead beat narcissist people do it? How can I just worry for me and me alone?

It 3pm and my bed is calling me back. I have to wake by 6 but shout start to wake at 5am from now on. Do i waste the whole time in bed? The chance of some pain free comfort and a possible escape dream or live a life where I actively live until 10pm and get a solid 7;hours sleep?! Enjoy the 16 hours in a day instead of a forced 8 hour because you need money to live.

It seems nothing is enough lately. These last 2 days at work left me unaccomplished and wanting to do more. This day off feeling the same.  No one is answering in working the list, so it leaving the garbage in my head that will immediately haunt me no matter what time I go to bed.

Ugh 😫