Brave face

2 in one day..

I hate me, I have for years. I have a vision of what I want to be and I strive to be that, but keep running into walls.

I work in a retail type of industry and I have learned to fake happiness. I pleasantly greet people with all the fake I can muster. I see some people with a life it seems like I deserve, but can’t have.

All I ever wanted was to be my father. Quiet, reserved, but home every night surrounded by his wife and children. Never needing friends and family, although he had plenty, because all he needed and wanted was right there in his life.

I have been given this twice and both times it has been ripped away by no fault of my own. Both of my ex’s just wanted someone who wasn’t me. I wonder if they have both looked at the children we had with regret, but then I remember how they both allowed a new man to instantly step into the role of father and even with my active role, constantly made me feel as though I am never good enough at it.

I dated a woman in between my ex’s who had a child and never did she even remotely allow me to take on a fatherly role with her child. Maybe I am crazy? Maybe in my head I don’t see what I am really doing. I think I am hugging my children, but I am actually strangling them? Maybe I think I am praising them, when I am actually yelling?

Maybe all of it is because of me?

The Nerve!

You don’t hate YOU, you hate your circumstances, The wall you speak of is one you might not have built alone, but you *are* keeping it standing, by not daring, by not taking care of yourself, by allowing yourself to be under the thumb of your circumstances. And you CAN have the life you feel you deserve, you just have to leap – that shit’s not easy, but believe you me, I did it, it’s worth it. Scary as all hell but worth it. You cannot and do not NEED to be your father. You are YOU – your Dad was himself, and he knew this and he liked it, he chose it. You should honor him by following his example.

I do not know you in person and obviously have not been in the day-to-day with you, so, regarding that last sentence of yours, I can tell you that everyone makes mistakes – some things you might have caused, but ALL of it is certainly NOT your fault alone. It’s good that you recognized your faults, but it’s useless if you don’t recognize the faults of others.

Jodie

Part of what you are saying I often think I am the same. But what I did learn over the years is that I don’t hate me as a person but I hate some of my attributes that I have and those are what need to be changed. Over the years I have changed them but for whatever reason I just gave up and went back to my old ways. if you asked me what it is I hate about myself I would give you a whole list and you would look at me and tell me I am full of shit because you don’t see it. Just like I don’t see why you supposedly hate you. And it doesn’t matter how long I have known you because I just do see what you see.

Question? have you ever asked anyone what they love about you? I think the best people to ask would be your children just because they are honest to a fault.