BPD

It has taken 35+ years, 2 failed marriages, countless lost jobs, several broken friendships, and a SHIT TON of self abuse, but I finally have learned why I am the mess I am.. It won’t bring back my daughter, win back my relations, or return my youth and at 49 it almost seems to be more hurt than help.

I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It all fits. Years upon years of not understanding, being constantly bitter, sad, angry, worried.  Of course, with me people will now say I am making excuses. It doesn’t change the past or allow me to go back to my family. I informed my “friends” and “relatives” of what a year being ignored and avoided, along with the last 2 months of 3 days a week therapist and psych visits had determined. I received one heartfelt “that’s interesting” from my Sister.

So, where to now?? If what I am told is true, I have a lot of work to do for my well being and can only hope others will be understanding. Well, at least I know I will do the work.

It sucks. My thoughts all go to the “what if’s”. Was the BPD what made her fall out of love with me? Did she do this despite of the BPD? Now that she knows, is there a flicker of love and understanding that makes her feel a tinge of guilt and longing? Would I even have the understanding if her betrayal wasn’t the “final straw” that broke me totally?

Do I want to be a well adjusted lonely old man or a mental mess surrounded by people???