Birthday

Today is Ethan’s 13 birthday. I’m invited to my sister’s where she and my BIL hold court like his parents. I casually sit off to the side, grateful I’m a part of something. Don’t usually get invites.

I feel old, ugly, and out of place. I have at these since the divorce almost 7 years ago. I take him and his brothers home which hits like a kick to the gut as my ex and her husband stand outside to greet them.

Once again, like hundred times before, I taste the bile and choke back the tears as my life plays out before me.

I write this in the dim sad studio apartment I live in, wishing for the open air of more rooms and sounds of life.

Should I eat something, watch something, or just once again get in bed to wash away the day until tomorrow?

I’ve no one to talk to . No where to go. Just once again battling the thought of why I stay around.

I’ve gotten better at the fight, but the thought is always there.