Becoming numb

They say that if you experience and sense something enough you become numb to it. Violence in movies and country smell to farmers, even those that live by the railroad stop really hearing the trains pass. Well this is me and betrayal. I have been lied to, cheated on, and left so many times that it’s all seeming to be common place to me. Oh, I still question why about things, but I’m getting used to thinking it’s just my lot in life to have these things happen to me. I fully believe in the Gods and Clods argument. Some people are just going to come out winning no matter what and the others will suffer for them no matter what.

Both of my ex wives have moved on to “better” lives while leaving me picking up the pieces of the mess they both helped to create. Any pains they may have afterwards I share, any victories are thrown in my face as though I could never have given them to either one. Their problems are all because me, whether they’re financial, emotional, or even physical, they were caused by something I had or have done. Their new husbands and boyfriends can literally smack the shit out of them, some have, and they come no where near the terrible things I somehow did to them.

Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I am way out of my league with my ex’s. I still think of them as beautiful women, who could pick and choose any man they want.  Now I may not win the “Best Looking Man” award, but I definitely land in that higher average spot, in my mind anyway. I shower, I have my teeth that aren’t black or brown with cavities, and I make an effort in how I dress. Yet, based on the “likes” I receive on a number of dating sites, I am extremely attractive to meth heads, crack addicts, and women who have spent one to many years in the bottle. Never once approached by the pretty one’s who wax poetically about how it’s not about looks and where are the “good” guys, the honest ones, the loyal ones..

Guess I am a firmly entrenched Clod.