Bath thoughts

Yes, I’m currently in the tub writing this. I only wish it was a nice deep claw foot or garden tub instead of the awkwardly small apartment one. Aw the joys of living in poverty….

So I’m thinking of changing my number. I have had it with waiting for calls or texts that never come, so in my salt the earth way of dealing, I will inconvenience myself by changing it so no one will be able to not call or text me. That will show them.

Oops, there went a gallon of water over the side and all over the floor. I wonder what life would be like if I could actually do or have something that doesn’t seem to exact a price.

As fate would have it, Morgen’s ears must have been ringing about my earlier post and he called out of the blue. He told me about how mom and Ed were tearing the walls and floors up and how underneath one of them was a wall me and my brothers and sister had wrote our names and drew some pictures on way back when I was very young. This is after all the house I grew up in. That was quickly destroyed by the both of them he told me. And he apologized for it. He should have to apologize.

I put to much sentiment into things, too much legacy. I have traced the Newton name and our male blood line to the 1300s. I wanted the boys to be proud and it all ended because of me. Through countless generations no Newton had divorced and had raised their children in a loving family.  I fucked up twice. My daughter is dead and my boys probably will never want to be married or have children because of this. Because their father failed and their showed nothing but disrespect to them and the family who took her in as one of their own.

I’m I being too dramatic,  maybe,  but I never fought with her ever in my children’s lives. I never bad talked her around them since. They saw me worship their mom and learned from me how to respect and honor her, only to see her bring in a new man the same day dad left, hours after. They watched as she let him toss out their fathers memories. Why would any one of them want to be in a relationship or bring a child into a world like this. I destroyed an almost thousand year continues unbroken blood line.

There is knights in our line, yes, Sir Issac Newton was a son of it. The man who helped settle Massachusetts is a distant grandfather and where I grew up my family’s family’s family were settled there just after the revolution of which they fought in. Then there was me. To stupid to notice things, to caught up in other’s lives that I destroyed my own and started the end of the Newton line.

I think too much in the bath, don’t I? I believe I have shown you another asinine reason why I can’t become a functional person. Maybe if my siblings had made the attempt to comfort me and to let me know I didn’t fuck up I’d be better. Or if friends helped me to feel normal or even stood up for me. Social media is like a drunk, the truth comes out. As anyone else would do nowadays, I looked at her Facebook. I saw all the loving pictures and I also saw the comments from my friends that should have been there for me.

Yes, I should build off the anger and betrayal. I should make myself better to thumb my nose at them all. I know this, you don’t need to tell me. But, I have never been motivated by hate or anger. I learned my Bible lessons. The ones that swore up and down that good things happen for good people. I apparently am the exemption to that though.