Back under the bridge

I’m not feeling ok and I’m just “blah” about myself. It’s very hard to keep up your chin when even your dreams actively kick you in the crotch. I immediately think about my ex thinking that all the time we were together she was secretly sick of me, yet swallowing her pride to stay. I’m hard-pressed to remember a time she actually showed me affection without me initiating it first. I’ve been a fool for thinking her or anyone would love me as I have them. Would she have broken a family and destroyed their father to be with me? Hell, I can’t get a woman on a dating site to even date me. I swear it’s like a shoeless man standing in a shoe store and saying he’s not looking for shoes. Well, not from me anyway.

I’m me, been me for over 51 years, so I think I know myself. I have been beaten so badly personally, financially, and mentally these last 3+ years, that there’s barely anything left. It’s horrible but the only thing I can think to do is to withdraw from everyone. I’ll never make peace with her leaving or my friends shutting me out or my siblings turning their backs.